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With Doubt...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

So it's a beautiful Sunday afternoon and my bf wants to do something fun. Oh boy! I'm tired and want to rent a movie. But we end up going to the Devil's Punchbowl Park. It's near Littlerock, CA, off the 138. Nice mountain area! It was kinda windy but not too bad. There are several trails and he wanted to do the longer one, okay. They call it The Devil's Chair. I thought a trail, you know, a few feet wide walking in the woods, holding hands. awww... It's a little more than 7 miles round trip. Hum, am I stupid to do this? I don't know the terrain and it was getting late. Was I taught a lesson?! The first 15 minutes it's all up hill and I see a few people coming down and breathing hard. hum... but no red flags in my head yet. I walk a few miles almost everyday at the park. This should challenge me but I'll be okay. We got there at 4pm. Late for a hike like that! But being clueless well... Mental note, go in the morning! As the hike progresses my bf, who ran the Long Beach marathon in 3 hours 41 minutes, says this is nice huh?! Yeah. Hello, breathing back here. No hand holding. He's walking along, in front, talking and I'm behind trying to catch my breath like I'm trying to run a marathon but really I'm barely moving uphill. Thinking, can I really go the distance if the terrain is this hilly? There's my doubt. The little voice that doesn't ever shut up! Constantly chattering away, usually telling me it's too tough, maybe you should stop and turn around, maybe this isn't for you, maybe, it says, you're getting too old for this type of workout. Uh! I'll show you... So I keep going, fighting that little voice. I stay focused. Looking every once in a while at the view, the rock formations, thinking this is really beautiful! Loving it! A little break when the trail levels out and we walk and talk and look at all of the wonderful nature around us. I think, I can do this! Yay me! My bf says you're doing good and tells me we're at 2 miles. That's it... I thought I was doing good! Does it get easier? Yes, but only for a bit. Here comes the elevation again, those rocky hills where the trail looks like it's only big enough for a small child. I'm so glad my children said no thanks. I would have been even more paranoid and worried! Enough is enough I tell myself. This is fun! Yes it is and it's just a little over 3.5 miles, I walk that everyday! Enjoying nature, it's gorgeous! As we get further in there's snow and it's as hard as rock, the cliffs are getting taller, the trail seems skinnier. I wonder if we should turn around. Because, again, I think maybe I can't do this! Yikes, I don't want to be a mountain lion's dinner! My bf finds a big stick for me to carry, thanks now I feel safe. It actually helped me a few times on the steep part! My camera dangling from my waist. along with my cell phone, my lip balm and I thought about bringing water but the thought carrying something that heavy, ha! was too much, half way there I wanted water. I'm thinking as I'm breathing hard up the next steep incline, if I lost just 15 lbs I would probably walk and breath a lot easier! The mountains were mostly shady so the wind was whipping up some dust here and there. Throughout the mountain the huge pines, that are towering above us, all around us, with the wind whooshing through the high branches it sounds like a rushing waterfall! Amazing! All of sudden I'm thinking we're the only ones out here this late and the show "Lost" pops into my brain. My bf says we should hurry cause we don't want to walk this trail in the dark. Yeah, ya think? I'm screaming at myself inside and thinking ignorance really is bliss. I was just trying to get to the destination, that was my focus. Too many times in life don't I focus solely on what the result is and don't take time to enjoy my journey!? I'm telling myself that as we stop for a minute to take a picture. It's looks steep, because it is, straight down hill. Except for a few level places in the trail! This was a bump in my life road! Filling me with doubt and wondering if I could make it. Of course, we only have a half mile to go and my bf says do you want to turn around, huh? Not now! He says we're almost there too bad we didn't start sooner then we could rest and enjoy this more. Nice sweetie, thanks for that bulletin! AGH! UGH! I'm thinking will I be able to climb back up this steep part of the mountain in a half hour before it gets dark!?? I wonder why did I bring my cell phone, there's no signal. Oh because I have 3 kids at home! We get almost to the point of the lookout, the Devil's Chair. I didn't see a chair but whatever. I'm thinking this doesn't look safe but I continue on out to the lookout. I'm alive and it felt good to be there! Oh, I get a text message. Gee, I have reception up here but not at the beginning of the trail. Thanks t-mobile. I reach for my phone. OMG! It's the kids! Now I think, oh really, what was I thinking doing this? That's nice, I leave to go hike on a trail not thinking I'm going to climb a mountain and I say I have my phone, love you, call if you need anything. I hope they don't need anything right now cause I'm on the tip of a rock!! Thank you Lord, it wasn't an emergency! So I text and take pictures and catch my breath! It was nice, pretty and peaceful but the wind was picking up so bf says we should go as he looks at his Garmin, we should be back just at the end of dusk, around 6:45pm. Oh NO! I'm thinking, my hammy's are sore and my quads were burning before. Can I really do this? I have to! I think too much as it is, so climbing a mountain, or just a hike according to the bf, is like a total war of the worlds going on in my head! It felt good to be there and after all is said and done I'm glad we did it! But I was really dreading the climb back... On the way back I knew I was just ignorant, not stupid! hee Just plain uneducated about the mountain. That's all. Simple, right? We start back bf asked if I wanted him to go behind me and push my rear end up the steep part. Oh puleease, I'm kinda slow and I wasn't expecting such a steep climb for hours but c'mon! Gee, thanks honey but no thanks! ha Not long after, he was behind me pushing slightly so I wouldn't just stop! Okay stop pushing me! ha At one point I'm thinking I could cry. Every step, up, up, up! I'm talking myself into doing this. I have no choice! I made the choice do this and now I have to just keep going. It's the only way I'll get back to my kids I keep saying under my breath, I keep muttering along the way, I have to keep going each and every step gets me back home. My bf says what? ha! I say I'm just talking to myself. Oh. I'm thinking I don't want to be that person on the news tonight that tried to hike the mountain and had to be rescued. As we climb and continue onward, I look around, my quads and hamstrings are screaming at me, what are you thinking girl!?? I knew there was no where for the helicopter to land for the rescue, too rocky. At one point I did think maybe that was an option. Seriously? I had to keep going, I start singing to myself and saying little prayers and telling God please if I can't make it please carry me? Thinking of the Footprints in the Sand where there was only one set, well, if ever I needed to be carried it was now. My heart is pounding and the wind is loud and in our face. That's only the first mile back! Geez, it did feel easier when I was telling myself I was being carried, I had a little more oomph in my step. I was still asking God for help in making it back safe and in one piece! We make it to the level part again but there's a lot more to go up hill just not that steep! Thank you! We stop, take a picture and look around. The sun is going down fast and we need to hurry. Bf announces we're the last ones out here. Thanks again, for that bulletin. I wonder, he says if they see a car in the parking lot and no one is around if they go on the trail to make sure everyone is okay. Yeah right I'm thinking. Park rangers or volunteers. It's Sunday night at 6:15pm, they want to go home and have dinner like I do! I wore the wrong socks, feels like my toes are being rubbed raw! I think I should have worn long sleeves, I'm kinda cold even though I'm breathing like a locomotive! My daughter texts me to ask if she can go somewhere, I stop to text, my bf says we don't have time for that. Great, I text her to tell her I'm just trying to breath right now, I'll explain later... At that point I wanted to feel hot water streaming over my shoulders and my legs, safe at home with warm soup cooking. Ahhh, instead I'm out here with the wind pushing against me, hoping there's no rabid foxes or hungry mountain lions! I watched a show the other night called "When Animals Attack," I know, again, I'm thinking too much. It was one of those shows that captures your interest and you think I shouldn't watch this but you keep watching anyway. All of a sudden as we turn on the trail and I ask what the name of that prayer is, the one that says As I walk through the valley of the shadow of ... My bf turns around, you okay! Yes I am, I'm just trying to fill my mind with something other than how much further it is. Thinking about the kids on a long car ride, are we there yet?? His Garmin beeps, YAY!, only 1.5 miles to go! I can do this. Why did I doubt myself! Well, other than my heart pounding and my legs screaming, it was my negative self talk that I'm supposed to throw out of my mind every time it enters. So I did! And I do believe I got carried for a little while. I'm not into formal religion, but I do believe in being spiritual and grateful. Along that trail I told myself with every little step, thank you for letting me do this. Thank you for the beauty of all this and thank you for helping me make it home safely! I'm almost there, we actually jogged a bit the last half mile on the way down to the parking lot! My knees were feeling the downward pull of the trail but it was nice knowing we were almost to the car and that much closer to my warm shower!! Yeow! Where's my motrin?! Yes, we did it! I threw out the self doubt! I realize how all those negative thoughts affect everything I do. If I could just throw out all those negative self doubts! Let's all throw out our self doubt and talk ourselves into being the fabulous and wonderful beings that we're meant to be! Wow, all that just from a mountain trail! ha Enjoy every moment!! Be good to yourselves! Be grateful!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • SURFINKIMO
    Nice!! Be greatful your Bf went, my wife would prolly never do such a thing with me. lol.
    4370 days ago
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