Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm not sure what possessed me to watch this movie last night. Fascination with extremes, perhaps. Fascination with body image, distorted image at that!
The anorexic character in particular fascinated me. One of my daughters was convinced that was my problem when weight just melted off me in record time a few years ago. I knew better, of course, but there was no convincing her. It was stress, extreme unbearable stress, and my body's way of saying it had enough, it was time to do something.
So I watched this woman, poking at her skinny body, stretching her skin to prove to herself she was fat, eating a slice of cucumber. Her face was so skinny it looked like her teeth were going to fall out of her gums when she smiled. I never looked like that, though my face was too thin. I never stopped loving food and enjoying it. And yet there's this nagging feeling that I'm obsessing over my weight when perhaps I shouldn't.
How important is that extra 10 lbs? I'm not even planning to lose all of it, just enough to put me at the weight where I feel comfortable in my body and my face still looks OK.
Why do I feel guilty for wanting to do this? The fitness center has a "biggest loser" program for its members, it just started. I signed up, and I feel guilty for doing so. But I need the extra support, the extra accountability to get where I want to be. I have no intention of aiming for biggest loser, I just want help. Am I self-indulgent?