Warning - may be TMI for some and I may regret this

Monday, January 25, 2010

It becomes somewhat less obvious to those of us who are trying to change that change has actually occurred.

I reached my goal weight in December of last year, lost 60 pounds, but realized that I could lose more, to be in the mid range of my BMI scale instead of topping it. So I have the idea that I would like to lose another 15 pounds, will it change my life, doubtful, have I become obsessed, maybe, am I healthy, yes, will I be happier 15 pounds lighter, again doubtful but why not try. It can’t hurt and I may learn more about myself in the process as if at 47 I don’t know everything about me yet

I still see myself as the fat adult, the one that used to wear size 22 a year ago, even though I am now in a size 6/8, I cannot break through that barrier in my brain that allows me to see me as others do. I look at pictures and am still highly critical of that woman that looks back at me.

I went for breakfast with my dad, his girlfriend and my husband on the weekend to a small diner in city not to far away. As we entered we saw a table of people that we have not seen since last year, we have not boated much in the last year, we said hi, they talked to my dad and Claire, said hi to Pete but ignored me. I didn’t really care, was looking forward to breakfast and it wouldn’t be the first time.

As breakfast was winding down the other table got up to pay their tabs and to say bye to my dad and then they came over to me and apologized for ignoring me. They thought that my husband had gotten a new wife and they were not sure about how to introduce themselves to me, as neither my dad nor my husband had done so. Their surprise was that it was me. I had lost another 20 pounds since the last time they had seen me and they were laughing at how much I had changed. One guy kept asking how I did it and how I kept it off, but he asks me that every time I see him and I tell him the same thing … food choices and exercise. He won’t listen. LOL What was interesting was the look on their faces when they realized Peter had not traded me in (they are on 2nd and 3rd wives/girlfriends)

I need to stop being so critical of myself, find a happy balance in myself, embrace what I have accomplished and to view this me with new eyes, but how does a 47 year old find the eyes of a new born, child, teenager????

I am not even sure where being so critical came from … my mother, grandmother were NEVER critical of me or my body … my dad use to call me his little piggy but I am so over that, I mean really lol

Part of it may be from what I perceived/others perceived me to be, or what I wasn’t.

I grew up in an extremely small welfare town … I spent my teenage/early 20’s trying to get out of there. Somehow I knew that I would not rot on the system as my peers did. 3 kids before they were 18 and living in trailers with no male support, emotional, mentally or physically.

I did what I had to do to garner that support, from wherever I could get it, so I could get out of there fast. That meant (in my eyes) sleeping with whom ever I thought could take me away from it all. I didn’t get pregnant, not from lack of trying but stuff happens for a reason and for whatever reason it was important that I held on to who I was, no matter who had me. I worked in the local bar and the local women hated me because they assumed I was involved with their husbands (never was that true) but it is what they perceived me to be, why would I want to get involved with men that would keep me there, keep me tied to what I wanted to leave. There were very little female companionship in my age group and what there was, was not born and raised there so they felt insecure with the local boys who they were dating, again not my fault it was their perception of who and what I was.

Let me also preface this by saying we were not well off, I wore jeans and flannel shirts, did not dress to attract, was a total tom boy and never felt attracted or attractive to any of the boys … but I used as much as I was used, never common knowledge … I was not staying.

I fell “in love” when I was 17, he died in a drunk driving accident. He was driving a motorcycle, coming home from a concert (if your wondering there was no alcohol or drugs found in his system) and the guy that hit him thought he was still in Toronto, not 30 miles outside of a city 300 miles away from Toronto.

High school was an hour and a half away from home, long bus ride. Never dated and when I asked someone to prom they said yes … I was so stoked. I got stood up.

Maybe a single event in time ….

Enough venting and introverted thinking … I am a product of myself. I will have to sit one day and have a long conversation with myself in the mirror. I know I am not, nor have I ever been ugly and fat … it’s just my perception of myself.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    GREAT blog. Such introspection!
    I wish you the best on your emotional journey. You sure are kicking
    butt on the physical one!!

    4091 days ago
    WOW.. I can so identify with your feelings. I have lost a ton of weight but I still feel like my reflection doesn't reflect how I feel inside. I still see this horribly overweight woman when I'm really wearing Large clothes.. and then that is a bad thing .. I don't want to be a large woman. It's hard to see the positive when there are so many perfect people in the world!!!

    I think that the positive thing that just happened to you must have felt amazing. WOW! Made you feel like a million bucks didn't it?

    I've had old friends come to see me that hadn't seen me since I was over 350 pounds and they are amazed and that does feel good.

    You're right.. we have to latch on to the positive but it's hard.
    4094 days ago
    Oh yeah, we all have pasts but we live now, not then. You sound like a very strong lady, Ronalyn, any you've come a long way.
    I have a visual of these acquaintances you met at the restaurant, sitting at their table, gossiping and trying to figure out who your husband was with... priceless. :)
    Go ahead and lose the 15 lbs you want to lose. No, it probably won't change your life but pride in this accomplishment is so worth it.
    All the best!
    4095 days ago
    i think you are doing great!...we all have pasts....we all made poor choices--but making those poor choices taught us what we know today....once in a while i sit there and think about my past...but like imaginedreams said, no obsessing allowed : )
    4095 days ago
    I am 43 and only in the last couple of years have I been able to come to terms with some of my childhood and recognize that I am a product of that childhood. My need for validation comes from my mother going back to work after my father died and my sisters raising me. My desire to get that pat on the back... no my need to be recognized and appreciated comes from that place too. I've learned to recognize and accept and appreciate that all of that allows me to be the person I am today. To have lost the weight you lost takes a strength of character many people do not possess. That says a lot about you and who you are today. You are clearly beautiful inside and out. What others think of you matters.. yeah.. it will always matter, but not nearly as much as what you think and what your husband and family think. Imaginedreams is right.. introspection is great ... in its place.
    4096 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/25/2010 10:51:30 PM
    It's interesting how we find ways that we were/are shaped that never occured to us before. Introspection is good once in a while just no obsessing over the past. emoticon
    4096 days ago
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