I downloaded the picture from my camera and started looking at the photos of my Ma and my family from this weekend. I started crying. I watched my Dad grow weaker and weaker over a 5 month period before he passed away. It tore me up physically and emotionally to see my Superman waste away before my eyes.
Now 3 years later I am dealing again with these feelings. I am angry, I CAN'T STOP IT, I CAN'T SAVE HER, I CAN'T TAKE AWAY HER PAIN, I CAN'T LOSE HER!!
I know we are so much alike and we usually don't see eye to eye but this is my MA. The woman who was there when I had my nightmares, who held my hand when I was sick in the hospital due to my appendix, the lady who taught me to cook, who was there when I hurt by my first luv, the lady who was there when I graduated, who was there to help me make my dress for my wedding, the woman who was there when I had several miscarriages, who held my hand and told me I was an inspiration to her for taking my fathers death and turning into a passionate positive by being an event chair for my local Relay For Life to help ACS fund the fight to find a CURE. This is the woman who taught me to be better than I was, take every day learn from it and push forward.
I see her too wasting a way each time I go down there to visit or stay for a bit and helped out. She was this larger than life personality in my life for 36 years and she now is a this fragile dainty person. I know at 78 years of age she has lived this amazing life with this huge family to luv, support and hold together. I always said Dad was the HEART of our Family and Ma was the GLUE that kept us together. I believe that with all my heart.
And my heart is hurting cause I feel that I should be the one to protect her like she did me, to kiss her ouchies away like she did mine, to make it all better as she always made me feel. I feel helpless as I watched my Dad die and now my Ma. I know she is not dead yet, but with Stage 4 non-small cell Lung Cancer there is no CURE and the only hope we can get is maybe the Chemo she is having to endure will slow down the growth of her Cancer. But I am a realistic person too and know all that means is she is on borrowed time and she will die from this.
Then I think how is my family going to get through this again....I almost lost it with Pop dying and now Ma....I CAN NOT LOSE HER TOO!! Not now, oh geezzzz I am not healed from pop's death completely and I know my family is not 100% either. This is going to really, OMG, why am I crying. Why does this have to hurt? Why is this happening to her? Why can't I save her? How am I going to get through this again? Am I really this strong or is this what is going to break me in two?
***********I am a strong, independent and loving woman. Then why do I feel like a child who is weak, unsure and unable to do anything? I manage money, a company, children, events and my family so why can I not manage my feelings? I am so not use to not being in control of my emotions. I guess that is something I did get from my Dad but we don't show our weaknesses, vulnerabilities to anyone. And I am feeling weak right now.*****************