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Wonderings...

Friday, June 25, 2010

On my Spark Page it says:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously
give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

a return to love - Marianne Williamson

Today I am wondering when it was that I decided I was not good enough. That I should be invisible. I want you to know that a paused before I typed that. I wanted not to be noticed. I guess much of the attention I got I did not like so it was better to just be in the background.

However, now I am the adult. I have to lead the children in my family. I am the leader in a first year scout program. I have to be the kind of leader that allows the boys to become leaders in their own right. It is an interesting line to walk. I was recently asked to be in the leadership in the Relief Society. My church's religious organization for women. One of the big things there is to work with a committee to plan some upcoming meetings. There were several points where I was the one to make the decision. I was also voted to be the president of the band boosters. Yikes I don't feel like the person who can do all of this. I think I will quit typing and hide under the bed. I should also say that I believe someone else will be taking over the roll of scout leader.

The interesting thing I realized is that people talk to me to help them work through problems. I was voted on to be the president of the boosters. All I was trying to do when they decided to do that was help the meeting progress so I could go home. That will teach me...

Even as a kid I would take the leadership when no one else would. I don't seek it but, I don't allow stagnation either. Once when I was in high school this diabetic friend of mine passed out. The popular and leader type kids were all standing around staring at her. I told them to go and find the teacher. They still stood there looking. I said now. They went. Then when the teacher arrived he was not sure what to do. He decided we needed to get her to a doctor. He was not sure how to make that happen. I knew first aid and told how we were going to carry her to the van and what we were going to do. It was so out of character for me. The teacher was amazed but listened and did what I said. We got her to the fire station and then I went with her in the ambulance to the hospital in our home town. We were in a nearby town.

It is hard to write about my accomplishments. I have great kids. We are not perfect but we are OK. Great kids with a healthy self esteem. If that is a reflection of me...Wow.

So I am thinking that what I think about myself could be all wrong. I know that I can do things when I don't think so much about why I cannot.

What if I continue with the idea that I can and I am strong enough to accomplish all that I need to accomplish to be the healthy person that I want to be.

So while I am not sure why I feel that way about myself I feel that noticing it is most of the battle. I can do amazing things.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NANCY-
    It is odd how we tend not to focus on our strengths, we are supposed to be modest and meek, no? No! I love the phrase: " God helps those who help themselves" God will guide us. Those that sit back and wait to be rescued: saying "god will take care of me", miss the message. Yes you will be taken care of but you have to pay attention to the messages and take action....that is what you do.
    You are one amazing lady!!!! Keep on Sparking!
    emoticon
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    3747 days ago
  • SMILESWITH7KIDS
    I don't think you ever believed you weren't good enough, but someone in your life treated you like that or told you were like that and you came to believe that "other people" thought you weren't good enough. Now you can see very clearly that in fact other people do think you are good enough. You can ignore those voices from your childhood and stop repeating them in your head. You are good and kind and smart and you have endured more than many of us. It's okay to know that about yourself and to stand up, use your voice and accept leader ship. It's not a prideful thing, it's accepting the talents you have been given for the good of others. I'm proud of you for taking on all of those responsibilities, it's something many would shirk.
    3747 days ago
  • MOCUEVAS
    you CAN do amazing things and knowing that is the first step.
    I love the poem you have on your Spark Page and I think it is true, we often fear our own power and light.
    Let it shine on!
    It is hard to stop thinking about what you cannot do and questioning what you can, but I knkow that the times I have been able to do that inthe past have worked out wonderfully.
    We can both do this!
    Thanks for sharing a great blog!
    Smiles, Mo
    3747 days ago
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