Thinking about Probably Trying to Get around to Possibly Coming Back.. Maybe

Been away a long, long time.

In May I fell off the Sparkwagon, for some strange reason I haven't been able to pinpoint despite endless soul searching.
All I know is that one evening I was out with my friends, and felt as if I was just a little bit invisible. Just a little bit un-extraordinary.
I felt just a little like it didn't matter to them if I was there or not.

So, the thought that crossed my mind was "I'll show them" (how old am I? - 12?) - and suddenly I lit a cigarette (back in Nov. '09 I had quit smoking and started my fitness program within a week of each other).

Before I knew it, I was eating some really unhealthy stuff, and that was the beginning of four months of hell.

Granted, I had some MAJOR personal challenges starting around then. Granted, I've had some very upsetting health issues. But jeez, that's all the MORE reason to stay on track.

I'm scared now, because I've opened the door to Spark, but I'm not really back.
Today, I logged my food all day faithfully - until I started to go over my calories - then suddenly I didn't care to do it anymore (surprise surprise)..
I read the articles and did the trivia and polls and searches and comments. I certainly didn't exercise.
Don't get me wrong, it's a start. But I've "started" at least 20 times since May, to no avail.

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I realize I have a binge eating disorder. I don't think it's "just" emotional eating because of the amount of food and the severity of it- my inability to stop, etc.
This problem is starting to avoid my health in adverse ways.
This morning I read a couple of member blogs and cried like a baby.
I realize I have no prayer of turning this around on my own.

So......................gues
s I'm gonna do what I always do when I get horribly, horribly lost, which I always seem to do so much in life, in one way or another.
Well, what I do once I've sat down on the curb and scream-cried till I realize that's getting me nowhere--

I guess I'm gonna just keep moving forward... go through the motions.. hope they stick.. hope I figure out where I am.