Thinking about Probably Trying to Get around to Possibly Coming Back.. Maybe

Monday, September 06, 2010

Been away a long, long time.

In May I fell off the Sparkwagon, for some strange reason I haven't been able to pinpoint despite endless soul searching.
All I know is that one evening I was out with my friends, and felt as if I was just a little bit invisible. Just a little bit un-extraordinary.
I felt just a little like it didn't matter to them if I was there or not.

So, the thought that crossed my mind was "I'll show them" (how old am I? - 12?) - and suddenly I lit a cigarette (back in Nov. '09 I had quit smoking and started my fitness program within a week of each other).

Before I knew it, I was eating some really unhealthy stuff, and that was the beginning of four months of hell.

Granted, I had some MAJOR personal challenges starting around then. Granted, I've had some very upsetting health issues. But jeez, that's all the MORE reason to stay on track.

I'm scared now, because I've opened the door to Spark, but I'm not really back.
Today, I logged my food all day faithfully - until I started to go over my calories - then suddenly I didn't care to do it anymore (surprise surprise)..
I read the articles and did the trivia and polls and searches and comments. I certainly didn't exercise.
Don't get me wrong, it's a start. But I've "started" at least 20 times since May, to no avail.

I'm trying to be honest with myself. I realize I have a binge eating disorder. I don't think it's "just" emotional eating because of the amount of food and the severity of it- my inability to stop, etc.
This problem is starting to avoid my health in adverse ways.
This morning I read a couple of member blogs and cried like a baby.
I realize I have no prayer of turning this around on my own.

s I'm gonna do what I always do when I get horribly, horribly lost, which I always seem to do so much in life, in one way or another.
Well, what I do once I've sat down on the curb and scream-cried till I realize that's getting me nowhere--

I guess I'm gonna just keep moving forward... go through the motions.. hope they stick.. hope I figure out where I am.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD4311102
    Start small. Do one positive thing just for you every day. Just one small thing. There are lots of things we cannot control in our lives so we have to take control of what we can. Just try one small thing. Good luck and please keep sparkin. Everyone here wants you to succeed.
    3872 days ago
    emoticon Oh,oh, could have been writing for me...yesterday! I got up after a full month!!! of NOT logging on SP and logged on. BUT only Tracked breakfast...then didn't until after supper. Then, I tracked what I could remember...and THAT was over my calorie allowance! Would you Believe it??? So, my start-over was lukewarm, to say the least...or most...whatever!

    I'm with the same boat...screaming "I know what I have to do!" and then, NOT doing it! What's up with that???

    All my best prayers go out to you. (I don't know what else to do.) I'm putting one foot in front of another (on finger after another!) and keeping a lot of hope. It's been done many SPers. We can do it too! I'm sure you can...and if you can...I can. Yes, we can!

    Keep on Sparking! Carol emoticon
    3881 days ago
  • LAURAS14
    It's one thing for us to "know" what we need to do and another to actually "do" it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our struggles, you have just been the brave one to share yours with others through this blog (and I thank you for that)...Go back and read some of the things you wrote on your spark page as I found them to be very are an amazing musician with amazing gifts....I wish you only the best in your spark travels.
    3882 days ago
    Fake it till you make it! Just keep logging on and recording your meals. Read the articles. Blog. Leave messages of encouragement for others. You may not be doing it with enthusiasm but if you stick with it eventually you'll see results and you'll be all the way back. emoticon
    3882 days ago
    Hey, its okay to get off the wagon and have trouble getting back on again. Who here has not been there at some point in his or her life? I know I'm certainly in one of those spots. When you started, I'm sure you didn't do everything all at once, so don't expect to again. (Really hard, I know!!) Writing a blog is a great first step, and even if you didn't finish tracking, at least you tracked something. You only fail if you fail to try. Pick a few very attainable mini-goals, slowly build back your spark-confidence, and go from there!
    3882 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.

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