Let's Try This Again! :)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
In my last post, I tried to discover why it was that I am not motivated enough to go from thinking about losing weight to actively trying. I determined that fear is what was holding me back,but I didn't know for sure what I was afraid of. I thought maybe it was because once I finally succeed people would treat me differently, or even my boyfriend would see me in a different, but negative light. I spent some time trying to pinpoint exactly what my fears were regarding weight loss, and while doing that tried to at least start with some changes in my diet and exercising. I finally got it figured out.
My fear comes from two places. A fear of failure and a fear of ridicule from friends. Any time I say I want to lose weight, my friends tell me I don't need to, and some of them think I will take things "too far" and end up with a very unhealthy obsession with losing weight and that I will end up being skinny to the point of looking like a skeleton. I can understand their concern, because I know this does happen, but what I repeatedly tell them (yet they still don't seem to get) is that I don't want to be SKINNY. With my height and bone structure, I know I can't do skinny. What I want is to be, yes, smaller than I am now, but a toned, healthy weight and size for my body. Then there are some of my friends who won't tell me to my face, but seem to imply that I won't succeed. Because I have always been the "fat friend" who always seems to have food in hand, or always is the first to announce that I'm hungry, even though the rest of them usually are too.
I have decided that to remedy this, from now on I simply won't tell them that I am even trying to lose weight. I'll just keep it to myself and do what I need to do in order to achieve my goals. Telling them had been a way of seeking support and encouragement, but I see now that I won't get that from them so I won't even bother. I'll just do it. That way, when I do slip up (And I know I will) nobody else has to know but me and my fellow spark people.
It is so amazing to me that you guys, who are complete strangers to me, are so much more supportive and encouraging and non judgmental than most of the people who actually know me. I am so grateful to have been told about this site and to have so many wonderful people to help me along my way through my successful days to my unsuccessful periods of several months. You guys are the best! Thank you!
This time around, I am beginning by easing into it. I have been trying to eat less during the day, and making healthier choices with what I do eat. I have also been exercising at least two times a week, making time for it even with the overtime at work. I plan to keep this up for awhile, so I can "master it" so to say, and then advance to more and varied exercising and even better eating habits.
God grant me the will power, the strength, and the motivation to keep it up this time. Help me to get back up when I make a slip and keep going with it. And help me to ignore those that don't believe in me. With you on my side, my fellow spark people, and those that truly support me, I know I can do this! Amen.