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Tuesday, May 03, 2011

You Know You Go To A Redneck Church When….

~The doors are never locked.
~The Call to Worship is, “Y’all come on in!”
~People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
~The Preacher says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering” — and five guys stand up.
~The restroom is outside.
~A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, “I ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get me out of.”
~ In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of “two calves.”
~Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.
~When it rains, everybody’s smiling.
~Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
~A singing group is known as “The O.K. Chorale.”
~The church directory doesn’t have last names.
~The pastor wears boots.
~ Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
~The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can’t leave them a bag of squash.
~The hat rack is full of John Deere and Red Man caps.
~There is no such thing as a “secret” sin.
~Baptism is referred to as “branding.”
~There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
~Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
~You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o’clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.
~ High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
~People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.
~It’s not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
~The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come on back now, ya hear?”
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