So, first a couple of funny things.
I have weird dreams, and they sometimes don't come back to me until something jolts my memory somehow...that just happened haha. So in the first scenario I dreamt that Katy Perry (yes, that Katy Perry) was dead. Apparently I was devastated, which I personally find kind of hilarious because I do like Katy Perry but I'm not a huge fan of hers, but then again I won't necessarily switch the radio or my itunes if she's on.
Anyway, I personally think dream #2 is a bit more personally disturbing. I was hanging out with a boy (the boy who I had a huge crush on...please read that again HAD
) and we were just hangin' out and I had on a pair of sweatpants and for whatever reason he felt my calf and I hadn't shaved and he made some comment to me. And that's it...I know right, weird? I think the reason that dream is more disturbing to me is that I don't like to be touched by people - well, people I'm not comfortable with.
So that gets to the actual point of this blog. I don't like people touching me because I don't want them to feel me...now I hesitated typing and deleted "fat" "rolls" etc. and instead put me. That will get me to my next point....
First point: I feel like my weight is this invisible shield preventing me from giving and receiving love in every way possible. Physically, emotionally, mentally etc. I'm really really really trying right now to deal with my inner self critic...aka my own worst enemy.
How? you ask? Well, I'm reading. I've actually started reading (and practicing) some of the techniques in "The Self-Compassion Diet" now to be perfectly honest the "self-love/new-age/hippie" type stuff doesn't really jive too well with me. I'm a freakin' scientist for (insert diety's name here) sake! But I have decided to try and to see and to not be so judgmental and pretentious about this stuff. I've always been a subscriber to "I know myself best, therefore I KNOW best" but guess what? That hasn't been working out too well for me recently, so I'm going to try getting some help.
That's the other problem, I am not a person who reaches out for help. I feel its a sign of weakness - just how I was raised in my crazy midwestern way haha!
So, I've been reading this book, and I have to report, I think it has been helping - granted it hasn't "reshaped my life" as they all claim, but I am actually feeling more at ease and trying to accept myself.
So now I have some progress to report. Some good, some not so good.
Yesterday I ate stuff that wasn't ideal for me. I had 2 pieces of pizza for lunch. Then I had 2 donuts (of course with sprinkles!) and an iced coffee because I was runnin' runnin' on fumes....then for dinner I had a couple breadsticks, a granola bar, and an ice cream bar. Not one of my best days. However, I do have to say that after I had those donuts my stomach retaliated like a stereotypical Tyler Perry character "oh you you didn't!" yeah...I felt a little queasy - so I guess that means that this was an exception, not the rule to my eating habits.
The one thing I did notice about yesterday is that whenever I would start the voice of me, my own worst critic I would embrace that voice and talk to it, I would try to envision the voice and feel it...and then I would go back and tweak it...it went something like this:
Inner critic - "I can't believe you ate 2 donuts, on top of that pizza. Jesus...no wonder you look the way you do..."
My new self - "You know what? That is true, I did eat things I probably shouldn't have, but I don't deserve to hear the negative things you are saying. Even though I acknowledge that I ate something non-ideal for me I have to remember that I did work out this morning and I've been doing my best."
Inner critic - "Yeah, well...you're best is obviously not doing you any good. What's the point to going to the gym if you're just gonna negate it with all this crap? You should just give up."
My new self - "My best is my best and I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. Inner critic, you just need to remember that today is an exception and not the rule and I'm not a quitter, I realize I may never get to my weight/size expectations, but I'm doing better than if I wasn't doing anything"
Inner critic - "......"
My new self - "
So bonus points for new me. Also - I really think I'm getting back into my exercise routine. I've been going to my step classes, and I've been gauging my exertion level and I've definitely improved there. Also - this morning I went up a level on the elliptical and am getting close to my goal of 4.7 mph on the treadmill at 5% incline. This morning I did 4.5 mph for about 10 minutes at 5%....I was at 4.3 for most of the remainder of the time.
And - things have been going better with my thesis - I've been working at it pretty hard. I have *hopefully* my final check in tomorrow morning and then I'll be scheduling my final defense. Boo-yah! (Please keep your fingers crossed for me!!!!).
And I found an amazing new song to work out to - I am so loving it! It's the new Pretty Lights single "I Know The Truth" If you like electronic type music definitely check it out!