R.I.P brandi :'(
Sunday, August 26, 2012
My poor baby, i have no words to say.
My dog died on thursday at 12.31pm whilst going in for an op.
She was a chihuahua, 1yr 8months, nothing wrong with her apart from her funny leg that was being fixed as the knee socket was coming out.
She was under anaesthetic, her blood test came back fine, her breathing and heart rate was normal and then all of a sudden, she just died :(
The vet and nurses said they were in "total shock, this doesn't normally happen"
MY BABY, i cried out, my heart literally broke when the vet said those terrible words over the phone "I'm sorry Miss Martin we have some unexpected bad news, brandi's passed away"
WHHHAAATTT, i cried i whaled i called her name i told him he was lying, i couldn't control myself i was all over the shop running up and down the house like a crazy woman, i couldn't believe it i thought he was lying, he must be lying it was all a joke i thought to myself... WRONG!
She actually dyed, i pulled my hair out i felt like i was going crazy, i was being tortured in this crazy sick dream, i wanted to wake up, how could my baby be dead, i had her in my arms only 3 hours ago, how could she of just "passed away".
I cried and cried and cried, the vet has no idea how she died, like I'm not even joking, he even said it WE HAVE NO IDEA MISS MARTIN HOW BRANDI DIED. He said it to my face as i was in the vet standing in front of her carcass. And, when i entered the vet the nurses knew who i was straight away, and they all seemed to be a bit down.
She showed me to the room where brandi was, me still having hope that she's just in some kinda deep sleep, but i was wrong, and as she opend the door and i saw her lying there wrapped in a blanket on the table, i just broke down to the floor, leaning against the wall and curled myself up in a ball whaling "OHH BRANDI IM SORRYY, I'M JUST SO SORRY"
No words could describe the utter pain i had that day, i cried all day, from hearing the news at 1pm till the evening and the next morning just still in shock.
Brandi, even though she was a dog (i am aware) she was a part of the family, she was treated like a princess, she was my child, my baby. I feel like, i have literally lost my child, i haven't had children (I've just turned 20) and I'm sure i couldn't compare to any mother who has lost their child, but i am feeling so depressed just over my baby brandi and can only just wonder how it must feel to actually lose a baby who has developed inside of me.
At the moment the house feels empty, she was my first pet, I've only had her for a year and a half but i grew so attached to her, and the house feels like it's lost personality.
I used to wonder how we ever coped without her in the family, but now we have to live it, and i hate it.
I keep talking and thinking about her, looking at her pictures reminds me of looking at her lifeless body on that table in the vets. I stared straight into her eyes and it was just so terrifying, i could see her but there was nothing there, no life just death and i cannot stop thinking about that.
This has affected me so deeply, but my family and friends have been amazingly supportive, i am so grateful, but i know it's because they all probably loved her, and knew how much she meant to me.
I dont understand how she could've died, we are just waiting on results, it is still just one big shock. I keep thinking she will burst into my room in the morning and snuggle with me on the sofa, but ofc this won't be the case any longer.
And now, i really don't know what to do. I feel lost in a way because she was a big part of my life and i couldn't stop talking about her!
We have been looking for other puppies to get, but i don't want others to think I'm trying to replace my brandi.
This is the first time i am really sharing all of my feelings towards this tragedy, and i don't mind if anyone replays to this or not, this is just my way of writing all my feelings down without bursting into tears.
I tried to make her better, but i ended up killing her, i just wanted her to be able to walk without limping, i just want to cuddle her and tell her that i am turely sorry as i feel some what responsible for her death.
Brandi, i love you so much. You will never EVER leave my heart baby, i will always love you xxxxx