Still Here

Saturday, September 01, 2012

Dang it, I'm still here because I still believe in myself and that I am worth the effort.

Came clean to my mom this morning about my binge eating and secret eating habits. Felt good to cry to her and to hear her say that she understands my struggle. I have never really leaned on her for emotional support. I got used to dealing with my issues and emotions on my own - or rather, with food.

I also know that things are changing and that I will never become morbidly obese again because I have become a little more open and honest with friends when it comes to how I'm feeling. In fact, I've opened up about my binging to 3 of my close friends and they don't know exactly what I'm going through but I know I have their support. I have never really told anyone about it until now.

I am not trying to make excuses for my binging but i think subconsciously a part of me wants reassurance that I will still be loved no matter what size I am.


You guya are right - time to switch things up.

I've enrolled in a mainstream gym/health club and I'm enjoying it - all the machines and the classes and the personal training sessions. The club has a "Cinefit Studio" which is a dark room where you can work out on cardio machines while watching a movie. Today I did 35 mins on the elliptical while watching a Will Smith movie. Didn't get to start it and didn't get to finish it either so I'm not sure what I was watching but it made laugh a couple of times (which is hard to do when you're doing elliptical machine intervals)!

My trainer couldn't make it so I had to work out on my own. Quite fun actually since I could dilly-dally and take my time between sets without her breathing down my neck (don't worry, I really like her and i love that she pushes me). Did a weights and core workout that I found on Tumblr. I didn't know how to do all the exercises so I replaced them with ones that I was familiar with - i.e. dumbbell lat raises instead of a dumbbell side reach. what's a dumbbell side reach anyway?!)

Also consulted with the gym nutritionist. She's helping me come up with a balanced meal plan that will complement my work outs and not make me feel deprived (unlike in my previous diet that didn't require exercise and was extremely low carb). I need a diet plan that I can maintain throughout my life.

Thank you for your support and advice, Sparkies!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo SHIROIHANA
    Hi Vada, I haven't heard from you in a few months, take this time to take care of YOU. Glad to hear that you are being honest with those you love so you can be more honest with yourself. Hope all is well.
    3163 days ago
  • HOPE541
    Proud of you. Being able to formulate a sustainable plan for success is what truly gets the weight off and keeps it off. All the best :}
    3207 days ago
    So happy to hear that you not only didn't give up, but you used this all to help you grow and reach out of your comfort zone. That is both amazing and inspiring! Keep up the great work and God bless! I hope you have an awesome Labor Day holiday and a very motivated week. emoticon
    3209 days ago
    Gaining more muscle will help, and focusing on vegetables and fruits can help too. Your stomach needs to feel full for you to be satisfied, and you get extra nutrients that way too. Good luck with your new diet, and keep on keeping on.
    3211 days ago
    I'm proud of you sweetie, one needs to be honest with themselves and others in order to really attain their goals. I remember one of your previous posts where you were upset that some of your fellow employees were making comments about your weight and you thought they were rude. Well, of course some can be whether they try or not, but they may also have just been concerned that you did so well to get into shape and healthy that they hated to see you mess up.

    Yesterday I worked out with my son. He's going to be 23 years old, so I've got many more years of wisdom, knowledge and experience on him. BUT, I also know things change and EVERYONE has their own wisdom, knowledge and experience. I told him to tell me anytime he sees me doing something with poor form or sees anything on my list that he thinks is no good, redundant, etc. One has to be able to accept criticism and use it when it is proven correct. And yes, he did help me with a few of my exercises and I will be making some changes do to his input. I also helped him with a few things that I thought he could improve on, mostly in his breathing area.

    So continue to work toward perfection. That doesn't mean you will ever get there, but it is a very good goal to strive for. Keep the faith.
    3211 days ago
    Sounds like you have a good plan. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
    I'm so glad to see you back! I totally understand, it was very hard to confess to my husband about my binge eating. He has been incredibly supportive. On the other hand, when I told my mother about it, she said; "Good, you NEED to gain some weight!" So you have to be careful who you tell, because their response can really sting.
    3211 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11085420
    I'm so glad you are back on track! I've been struggling, too. I have kept up the basics. Now it is time to re-group. What a gift to be able to begin again! New month, new resolve!
    I am SO proud of you for your honesty and commitment!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3211 days ago
    Glad to hear you're feeling better and are back on track. Feel free to stop by the 'At Goal & Maintaining + Transition to Maintenance' team if you need help or a sympathetic ear. Many of us have been in your shoes and can lend you a helping hand when you need it.
    3211 days ago
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