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Motivation paradox

Thursday, February 28, 2013

So recently I decided to actually utilize a personal trainer at the gym.

One day a few weeks ago I was on the treadmill doing my "usual" AM cardio routine when I was approached by one of the trainers at the gym. He asked if I had had an assessment since I joined. (FYI I joined in September, this was February). I said no, and he asked if I would like a complimentary assessment. I said sure - and its been kinda downhill since.

He took my weight (always depressing right), and I held this little electrical machine and it told me my body fat percentage (even more depressing). I've met with him twice since that day and I did sign on for a package of personal training sessions. Not too many, but enough that maybe I could gain at least a little knowledge and get stronger/leaner.

However, ever since that first chance encounter I've just been feeling more and more depressed about my progress. Every time I meet with my trainer I get a weigh in - and just to be clear, he is not part of the problem, he is in fact, awesome - and because I don't see the scale changing (like at all!) I just feel like all of my efforts are futile.

I'm trying to stay positive - I'm trying to focus more on what I can do instead of the scale. I'm starting to fit back into an old pair of pants YAY! I've been increasing my weights in my bodypump classes which is something I've always been scared to do. I've started jogging intervals at 10 mph alternating with walking at 15 mph. I can jog for over 25 minutes at a 12 mph pace....but despite all of this, I still feel like I'm not getting anywhere.

The worst part is that I feel like my life is in order. I've got a good job, a wonderful relationship - I really am not all that stressed, and I think that is causing me to focus on this "huge" fault I see in myself. I think maybe the training sessions are just making it more apparent to me and are actually hurting more than helping my self-esteem.

I do have to keep in mind that as my boyfriend says "they have to tell you that you need improvement - otherwise they'd be out of a job" and I agree. I also do have to keep in mind that my trainer lets me know that he is actually surprised by my strength, flexibility, and form.

I'm also getting confused about what to do in terms of my exercise routine/eating habits. I'm trying to "diet" and on one hand I know calories in has to be greater than calories out I am also aware that if I eat too little and burn too much my metabolism can slow....I'm not uneducated about what I should be doing - its just that I feel like I've been doing everything the way I should be and I'm not seeing any results - I'm not seeing the changes I would like to see.

I think it also has to do with the fact that when I had my first initial weight loss (over 40 pounds) I wasn't so focused on every single detail. I was still in grad school, just got out of a not so great relationship, and the gym was my time to zone out. I didn't focus on my eating habits too much, and I looked forward to classes at the gym, but wasn't really looking to bench 100 lbs or fit into skinny jeans.
Fast forward to my last 6-8 months of grad school - I ended up gaining back about 20 pounds, not because of lack of gym time, or huge changes in diet. In fact, I started eating better - it was because of stress. Now I'm battling those pounds and I feel so ashamed about it everyday.

I feel like screaming - I'm doing MORE - I'm running FASTER, lifting MORE, eating BETTER and still its not coming together. So what gives?

I also kinda miss my old gym when I was in grad school, the instructors, classes etc were better. Also - I felt the people were wayyyy less superficial. I absolutely loathe going to my new gym at night (other than for classes). They have about 50-60 treadmills and from the hours of 3 to 7 you can hardly ever get on one (same goes for the elliptical, weights, etc). Plus the gym is overrun with the people who are the "I go the gym to be seen" types. Yes, they do work out, but you can tell its a pretext to some non-gym related activities. I just feel its so high-school, cliquish...

I just want my motivation back - seriously - not even a "new" pair of pants, pictures of the old me, or pictures of what I want to look like are doing it. I guess the good news is is that I don't feel like burying my face in a pint of Ben and Jerry's - instead I just want to brood...

Anyone else ever felt like this? I'm hoping I'm not the only one....or maybe I am and its hormones haha.
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  • no profile photo CD12248853
    I feel exactly the same way! For me it's baby weight from my two pregnancies (one when I was 40 and one at 42.) My hormones shifted to middle aged I guess right when I'm trying to get my body back together. I'm going to the gym, hill running at recess at work (I'm a school counselor,) and staying within my calorie range and I'm still not losing a pound! I'm so frustrated but I remind myself that the important part is that I'm staying healthy for myself and my family. I might not be back in a bikini ever again but as the 45 year old mom of a 2 year old and a 3 year old at least I can keep up with them : )
    2971 days ago
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