Weigh in today.
I am up 0.1 pound. I had a hard time keeping to my calories this week and I know I did not track everything I put in my mouth. My Average daily calories for the week were 200 calories higher than my goal.
Thinking back on the week to try to understand why keeping within my calories was so hard:
- I did not go grocery shopping over the weekend. I have that scheduled for Friday and I skipped it this week. When I don't shop my food choices are limited and I make do with foods that are higher calorie.
- I did not hit the gym for good cardio except on Sunday, my calories were within the range on Sunday.
- I did not Sleep enough. I averaged 6.7 hours of sleep a night with 2 nights as low as 5.5 hours.
- I used food and other distractions to run away from my feelings of guilt and loss around the way my oldest child was raised. I love this child, now a man, so much it hurts. It hurts to know that I failed him. I failed him by letting others abuse him, but even worse I failed him by abusing him myself. The best thing I did for him was letting him go and letting my mom raise him from 11 to 18. It hurts so much to write this to really acknowledge that it was my fault. That I did it.
My daily meditation reading yesterday, which I read today, was about loving ourselves unconditionally. The following are sentences taken from Melody Beattie's The Language of Letting Go, "Love yourself into health and a good life of your own. Love yourself into all that you always wanted. People who love themselves are truly able to love others and let others love them. How do we love ourselves? By forcing it at first. By faking it if necessary. By acting as if. By working as hard at loving and liking ourselves as we have at not liking ourselves." This was one of the longer meditations and I shared the part of the message that I most need to remember.
I have spent my life feeling not good enough. Criticizing myself for every misdeed. Feeling that I have to be perfect. Unable to accept my mistakes. Feeling selfish if I did anything for me or was happy. Stuffing my feeling away and accepting others feelings as my own. My inability to love and accept myself has lead me to make very bad choices in my life that have hurt me but even worse have hurt the people I love most and should have been protecting.
I am going to end this blog by sharing a couple of feelings. Above I shared my guilt, pain, and loss related to my oldest child. Yesterday I blogged about the process I went through trying to find a way to quit working my second job. Two of my Spark Friends gave me hugs as comments on that blog. It wasn't until I saw the comment hugs that I realize how disappointed and sad I was that the end is still 2 years out.
Even if no one reads this blog, I want to thank Spark for being here for me to write it.