Being an addict
Thursday, March 27, 2014
I'm quite sure I'm an addict. Not to drugs or alcohol, but something just as deadly. Food. I grew up in an alcoholic home, so I determined at a young age that I would never become one of those statistics. So instead, I turned to food. In the last few months, I have determined that I am addicted to food.
Here were my warning signs. It's not just that I would eat a lot of food! I would eat for every emotion--celebration, loneliness, depression, boredom, fatigue, you name it! But that didn't necessarily make me an addict. I discovered that I was a closet eater, much like my dad was a closet drinker. If my husband was out of the house or down in the basement, I would dash to the cupboards. If no one was looking, I would grab an extra cookie, or 2, or 3. When I was alone in the house, I would find my trigger foods and finish them off. I would even resort to lying, to my own shame. "Did you eat that piece of cake?" "Who me? No!!" On shopping trips, I would buy chips or chocolate bars and either polish them off completely or hide the partially-eaten evidence in drawers or closets.
I'm glad I just re-read that last paragraph. I can hardly believe that was my behaviour. It always has been my behaviour. It is only by the grace of God and with the support of friends that I am once again "confessing my faults to one another, so that I may be healed," and making a fresh start again. When I am alone, I am asking God to speak to me, no, YELL at me, when I am tempted to binge.
It's been a really good week this week. I am eating properly, watching closely my sugar and sodium intake, and being accountable to my family. But the breakthrough has been admitting that I am an addict. I will always struggle with this issue, and I cannot complete this journey on my own.
So, I have a forked road ahead of me. Stay crippled as an obese woman, unhappy, a disappointment to myself and others. Or, I can continue on this journey, taking baby steps and sometimes big leaps towards my goal. The choice seems so obvious!! May it always be so, every moment, every day.
Lord, I have failed You and failed myself over and over, in so many ways. Thank You for forgiving me, for seeing me as a whole, complete, redeemed woman. Empower me every moment of every day with Your Spirit to live as I know I need to, to glorify You with this amazing, complex body You've given me. Amen.