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Introspective or reclusive?

Thursday, April 17, 2014

As I was looking over old blogs I wrote, I realized that when I first joined SP I didn’t hesitate to put my feelings out there. Now, I feel that I’m beyond introspective, I’m almost reclusive. I’m not sure what that’s about.

I was about to say that I don’t know what I’m doing on SP these days, but that wouldn’t be correct. It’s a safe place where I’ve found kindred spirits.

I joined in a quest for a healthier diet, having watched my mother suffer more than she should in her last days in part because she’d starved herself for years in her pursuit of being thin. SP nurtured me during the months leading up to her death, and nurtured me during the long period after when I sought to regain my equilibrium.

I wanted to run away during that period, run away from all responsibilities. SP helped me do that, except that running away turned into running. And so at age 60 I became an athlete!

In the four years since her death, I’ve struggled with delayed menopause (coming off HRT after 15+ years), a body that no longer tolerates the food that once sustained it, and the resultant yo-yoing of my weight. Oh, no great extremes of weight gain, but enough to leave me feeling miserable in my skin. I’m slowly figuring out which foods are actually friendly and which ones no longer agree with me. Throughout this challenge, running, dancing and my SP community continue to sustain me.

Today’s challenge is about simplifying my life, getting my two youngest DDs launched, and reducing the stress in my life. It sounds simple, but it isn’t. The youngest suffers from never-ending depression and blames me and the world. I’ve decided that getting her set up in an apartment/condo of her own will help her, and she admitted that the idea gave her hope. Now to find something she and I can afford.

The next one is almost done with her BA – well, another year. This one’s the angry one, the one who gets manic. She’s doing a better job of managing it, and she owns her issues. She’ll be fine, if I can survive the bouts of anger.

And then there’s my house, which is just about falling down around my ears inside and out. I can’t tackle the inside until I get DD out. And I can’t tackle the big ticket problems until I solve her housing problems. Then I’ll see how much money I have to start fixing things up.

Yup, that's where I am today. Time to put it out there, and continue to address it publicly. That worked before, and it will work again.

Thanks for being there, my friends.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • DEE797
    Sending emoticon your way. You are being proactive and that is a good thing.
    2466 days ago
    I needed to read this today, Deeva. I'm not participating in the community as I have in the past, and I miss it. Have been putting off writing a blog, not chatting in the threads. I've always been one who doesn't like to ask for help, so maybe I've slipped into that do-it-myself mode, even though I know it doesn't work. I'll be following your suggestion of just putting it out there. Wishing you and your household (!) a blessed Passover!
    2469 days ago
    What I am hearing is frustration. At some point, everyone in our age group wants to reclaim their life back. We love our children, and their needs to be a transition where children have adult relationships with their parent, becoming less dependent on the parent. This is so healthy. I have seen family members who have made the transition, and others do not (always needing something). The dynamics become quite interesting. You need to find peace in your nucleus.

    You sound like you are being proactive, and moving in a positive direction. I hear you enjoying the grandkids, and loving dance. Keep moving that positivity around you. There will be heartaches. Embrace the joy.

    I like to be positive in this community, despite any challenges I may be facing. That is part of the community appeal, as I get away from it for awhile. I do know that by putting it out here as you have, you will find support. I bet you feel relief just blogging about it. Blogging is great for journaling and sorting of feeling.

    Peace, my sparkfriend. I hope I did not overstep my welcome.

    2469 days ago
    Life can be difficult at times but I know this will pass and you will manage to work it all out somehow.

    2470 days ago
    It sounds like you have a lot on your plate but I know you are up to the challenge. You have some plans in place and that will help. emoticon
    2470 days ago
    i'm sorry you are going through difficult times.
    But it is good that you are managing the changes wisely, and also you are a great support for your daughters.

    2470 days ago
    I for one am glad you put it out there those many years ago. I can't imagine my running life without you and my other Spark friends in it.

    This had been a difficult year for me too. One of the advantages of our age is that we know that nothing lasts forever and that we can both persevere and thrive.
    2470 days ago
    emoticon hang in there Dee! they way you stuck to your marathon training, you too can stick to this!
    2470 days ago
  • WILEE323
    I know full well what you are doing on SP these days - being an inspiration! You've motivated, taught, and been a friend. I agree that you are awesome!

    And, ah, the grown children! I'm learning that I can't own their decisions. Sometimes I about need a roll of duct tape for my mouth when I'm with them, but they have to live their lives and make mistakes to learn and grow. But, they still bring me much joy and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

    Peace to you!
    2470 days ago
    2470 days ago
    funny, i would never have considered you reclusive. me, otoh …
    lots of white light and hugs...
    2471 days ago
    I'm glad to be there for you! I know you have really been there for me over the past seven months. I think it really helps to write about what is going on. There are always people that have gone through similar things and will pop out of the woodwork to support you. Even those of us that are dealing with different issues are more than willing to lend a supportive ear.

    My "chlidren" are now in their mid-30's and they are still somewhat on the "launching pad". They live together in a house that I own. They are both good kids, but it's just taken them a long time to become independent. One son has a really good job now and is going to buy the house. I'll be glad not to own it any more. The other son is slightly autistic and kind of lives in a world of his own. He's a really sweet kid, but will always need some sort of help. I love them both dearly as I'm sure you love your daughters. I don't think we ever stop worrying about them...just as my own mom worries about me right now!

    2471 days ago
    You can do it!!! You are right - you've done it before, and you'll do it again! You always have your SP buddies to get your back!!! emoticon
    2471 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6329775
    You are such an awesome woman. I would love to sit somewhere in a coffee shop or such and just listen and talk and listen and talk.

    Grown children are sometimes such a mystery. How we should deal with them... is also often a mystery.

    Sounds like you have your feet on the ground.
    2471 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2471 days ago
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