Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I am a complete blogging nerd. I have been blogging since I started college back in 2001. I have the typical, myspace, xanga, and facebook blogs. However, in all of those blogs, talking about my weight was a big "no no." I just couldn't bring myself to say "hey, my name is Kelly and I am fat."
I spent most of my younger years playing softball, basketball, and other sports. I was heavily involved in gymnastics for a few years and I was also a cheerleader. I was always a little on the chubby side. I really only had a little belly. But instead of being healthy throughout those critical years, I let myself go.
I spent my the end of the elementary school career into junior high being made fun of every single day. I took that very hard. I had zero self esteem and I thought to myself that if nobody likes me, loseing weight isn't going to help. So i just ate food to get through the pain. I became a very emotional eater and would sit in front of the TV and watch 4 or 5 hours of back to hack "fresh prince of bel'aire" "full house" and "family matters." Then I would sit in and do my homework. During that time I would eat snack after snack and then it would be time for dinner, then bed. There was no exercise in my life.
By the time high school came, I made the decision to attend a private school. I had to get away from the people that made me hate myself. I also decided my freshman year that I was going ot have a fresh start on life and a new personality. I became the person that i am today, the person that i love.
I decided to not let what other people think about me determine who I was. I am still that person today. I am very comfortable in my own skin, no matter how large that skin is. I realized that it doesn't matter what people think about me, it only matters what I think of myself.
I see myself as this beautiful woman, created by God's hands. I see myself as this woman that has so much to offer and is striving to show this world what I can do. I refuse to let my size stop me in my endeavours.
Also in my teen years, I thought I had to be this supermodel thin girl to have a boyfriend or even to get a boy to like me. I knew that I would never be that girl, so I thought being in love was just out of the question in my life. That was until I met Matt.
Matt and I have been friends since we were 4 years old and best friends since we were 14. He has been in love with me since we were 3. I never saw him as anything more than just a friend, and I was always let him know my true feelings. We became close throughout high school and I went with him to his senior prom. I still felt nothing else for him. In college, while we were talking one night, he told me that he felt God had chosen me to be the one for him, and he hoped that one day I would feel that way too. At that point in time, I thought I would never feel that way about him. That was until about 8 months ago.
Matt and I both had just gotten out of bad relationships and started to spend a lot of time together. We were hanging out all the time and calling each other constantly. One night, this last January, my friend Josh and I went to go see him at his Kareoke show and we had "the moment." I decided to sing a song, I sang "when you say nothing at all" by Allison Krauss. After I finished the song, we kissed. This was our first kiss after knowing each other for 20 years. I knew then that there would never be another man in my life.
I have learned a lot about Matt and myself in the last 4 months. Matt is the only man that has always loved me for who I am. He has never asked me to change, he has always accepted me for the whole person that I am. He loves me unconditionally. Outside of my parents and family, I have never experienced that before. More than anything, he loves me despite the fact that I am overweight and he doesn't care if I ever lose weight because he thinks that I am the most beautiful woman that ever walked the earth. I get emotional just thinking of the love that we have for each other. I never thought it would happen for the "big girl" but it did. And I don't just love him because he loves the "big girl." I love him because he supports me in all my decisions, he is my best friend, and he is everthing I have ever wanted in a man. I am only sad that I didn't see that 10 years ago. However, timing is ever thing, and it's true what they say, "God works in mysterious ways."
Matt is one of the biggest influences in my life. I can't wait to start the next phase of my life with him.
My mother is my hero. My mother never failed to let me know that I am loved. She is the reason why I am the person that I am today. She taught me to be ambitious, determined, and to believe in myself. Don't get me wrong, i have learned a lot from my father also, but my mom and I have always had a special bond. While she was my mother, I also saw her as my best friend, a woman that I could tell anything with no judgments. My mom is what got me started on SparkPeople, and even though I have only been a member for a few days, I don't regret the decision of joining. She has been one of the biggest inspirations in my life. I can't wait to start planning my wedding with her and to have her by my side as this very special time in my life.
Anyway, this is a little bit of an introduction into me. Like i say in my profile, I am a very open person and I don't hold back. I can't wait to get more involved in this site and to use it to better myself.