Learning to fly
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
I've looked back over my last few blogs and they have all had the same theme of starting over. It seems that since my mom got sick last year in June, I just haven't put in the effort to take care of me and then I would make an abortive re-start, which wouldn't last long.
So maybe I've been looking at this all wrongly. Maybe I should stop thinking in terms of starting over and thinking of it in terms of continuing my journey after rest stops. I have been beating myself up pretty well about my seemingly lack of ability or motivation in taking care of myself. I have been in my new apartment about a year now, without putting pictures up on the walls, and bemoaning the fact that I am living alone, I'm divorced and my mother is dead.
I can't do this to myself anymore. No amount of punishing myself is going to make Mom come back or put my finances in order or any of the hundred and one things I can punish myself for. I'm tired of punishing myself. I'm tired of feeling that I'm incompetent or that I'm helpless because I refuse to try.
So I'm not going to say that I'm starting over, because I'm not. I am still on this journey that I started back in Dec. 2012. Yes, I have some challenges now that I didn't have then.
I am not able to exercise at home because I am on the upper floor of an apartment, but I could do yoga at home. I have a yoga DVD. I have a yoga mat.
I may not be able to afford fitness classes or yoga classes, but I can walk and I have access to the university's gym for free as a staff member.
I may not have tonnes of money and worry about paying bills now, but I can go to the no-frills grocery store and watch for sales. As long as I eat what I buy, I will stop wasting food.
I may not have tonnes of money and can't afford new clothes (especially now that I've gained some weight back), but I can go thrift shopping where clothes are a lot cheaper.
I have options. I have been choosing not to see them, but they are there. I am a strong, independent woman, but I haven't been acting like one. I am a beautiful woman, inside and out, but have been choosing to see myself as lesser.
I can regain the good habits that I developed here at SparkPeople and then put aside for a while. I can stop the negative self-talk that keeps me stagnant and stuck and replace it with pats on the back and positive thinking.
I am worthy of taking care of myself. I don't do it for anyone but myself because I am a good person and I deserve to be loved, happy and healthy.
I have been curled in a little ball feeling lost and alone. But I am not alone. I have good friends, a man who loves me, and I love me. I will start crawling, then take baby steps, then run, and finally I will fly!