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Learning to fly

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

I've looked back over my last few blogs and they have all had the same theme of starting over. It seems that since my mom got sick last year in June, I just haven't put in the effort to take care of me and then I would make an abortive re-start, which wouldn't last long.

So maybe I've been looking at this all wrongly. Maybe I should stop thinking in terms of starting over and thinking of it in terms of continuing my journey after rest stops. I have been beating myself up pretty well about my seemingly lack of ability or motivation in taking care of myself. I have been in my new apartment about a year now, without putting pictures up on the walls, and bemoaning the fact that I am living alone, I'm divorced and my mother is dead.

I can't do this to myself anymore. No amount of punishing myself is going to make Mom come back or put my finances in order or any of the hundred and one things I can punish myself for. I'm tired of punishing myself. I'm tired of feeling that I'm incompetent or that I'm helpless because I refuse to try.

So I'm not going to say that I'm starting over, because I'm not. I am still on this journey that I started back in Dec. 2012. Yes, I have some challenges now that I didn't have then.

I am not able to exercise at home because I am on the upper floor of an apartment, but I could do yoga at home. I have a yoga DVD. I have a yoga mat.

I may not be able to afford fitness classes or yoga classes, but I can walk and I have access to the university's gym for free as a staff member.

I may not have tonnes of money and worry about paying bills now, but I can go to the no-frills grocery store and watch for sales. As long as I eat what I buy, I will stop wasting food.

I may not have tonnes of money and can't afford new clothes (especially now that I've gained some weight back), but I can go thrift shopping where clothes are a lot cheaper.

I have options. I have been choosing not to see them, but they are there. I am a strong, independent woman, but I haven't been acting like one. I am a beautiful woman, inside and out, but have been choosing to see myself as lesser.

I can regain the good habits that I developed here at SparkPeople and then put aside for a while. I can stop the negative self-talk that keeps me stagnant and stuck and replace it with pats on the back and positive thinking.

I am worthy of taking care of myself. I don't do it for anyone but myself because I am a good person and I deserve to be loved, happy and healthy.

I have been curled in a little ball feeling lost and alone. But I am not alone. I have good friends, a man who loves me, and I love me. I will start crawling, then take baby steps, then run, and finally I will fly!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LINTPICKER
    I am sorry to hear about your mom. emoticon

    You are right, this is a continued journey. I joined in 2010 and lost 65 lbs, then my mom had health issues and I regained most of that weight. My mom died 2 years ago and I am just now getting back on track. I have lost 20 of the regain and am headed in the right direction. Sounds like you are ready to do the same. Keep up the great attitude.

    emoticon
    2007 days ago
  • ERIN_POSCH
    I love seeing how you came to a positive twist on a seemingly hopeless situation. GOOD FOR YOU! WELL DONE!!!

    as a sngle mom myself i've geneally lived on the lower end of the scale. now that the kids are grown i still try to....i shope for items that are 50% or more off when then are near date. i watch for annual sales on items i need. i buy in bulk and separate into individual servings. i check for items in second hand stores and online before buying new. breaking the habit of INSTANT GRATIFICATION is tought for some at first but well worth it in the long run. after a while it becomes habit. I even cried when the VALUE VILLAGE closed in town and i no longer was able to shop 99cent TUESDAYs for dresses but had to go to GOODWILL for them at 4.99 a pop. of course there is the matter of STICKER SHOCK when you do have to purchase new =)

    wishing you much success on your journey!
    2007 days ago
  • FREE_SWIMMER
    You do have options! Great thought process here. I'm in your shoes somewhat. Been a single mom for 17 years, had a huge economical set back seven years ago and am still not back to where I was, but I've learned to live on a lot less. I'm finding I can focus on what I can do, and not what I can't, and eventually what I can't do becomes what I can do, if that makes sense. Making a list of priorities is helpful for me. I also love yoga and have found a lot of Youtube videos that I can do and thus can mix up what I do.
    2007 days ago
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