The Rules of Being A Fat Girl

My pant size in in the double digits, and that tells you the only two things that define me; I am fat, and by default that makes me ugly. Because of this, my personality doesn’t matter and absolutely nothing else defines me. As a matter of fact, I barely even count as a human being, if at all. Now I have been told that for my height and bone structure, I’m really not that big, and also (Brace yourself, this is obscenely shocking!) that I am beautiful. The problem is, these lies that are meant to spare my feelings are detrimental. They encourage my bad behavior that put me in size 18 jeans in the first place and much more than that, they encourage me to break the rules of being a fat girl.

You see, as a fat girl it is against the rules for me to feel beautiful, to love myself, and especially to have even the tiniest amount of self-confidence. If I have any of these feelings about myself, I am setting a bad example to all the other fat girls. We are meant to be shamed and ridiculed and accept that we deserve it without attempt at sticking up for ourselves, no matter whether the excess weight on our bodies is from poor eating and exercise habits, genetics, or medical reasons.

Fat girls are not supposed to wear cute clothes. There are two reasons for this. First, even though the clothes themselves are cute, our horribly disfigured bodies ruin the clothes and make them ugly. The second reason is having cute clothes increases the risk that we may gain positive thoughts about ourselves. The only articles of clothing we overweight gals should even think about wearing is a massive, shapeless tent that hides every roll and covers every last inch of skin. Anything less is offensive to the eyes of the rest of the world.

And speaking of offending the eyes of the rest of the world, under NO circumstances should a fat girl EVER dance! EVER! It doesn’t matter that dancing can be a great workout that includes both cardio and toning. The whole of our disgusting bodies shake and jiggle like Jello and makes everyone around us physically sick. And I mean everyone, because we have no real friends.

Everyone that claims to be our friend is only lying because they’re too nice to hurt our feelings. The same goes for significant others. They don’t really love us or find us sexy in any way, they are just using us. Because we are fat, no one will ever love us and we will either be alone forever or someone will “settle” on us because they can’t have who they really want.

When it comes to food and exercise, it doesn’t matter what we do. We deserve to be made fun of. It must be pointed out to us when we are eating anything even remotely unhealthy, because none of us ever know how to choose healthy foods, and we also don’t have the self-control to understand moderation. Ideally, we should always make sure to get off our huge, lazy asses and be doing some form of physical activity and never sit and read a book, write, or watch a movie. This is another thing we need to be reminded to do, because obviously we don’t know how to do it ourselves. On the other hand, any fat girl caught eating a salad or hitting the gym hard is also a deserving recipient of other’s mockery because it is wrong for a fat girl to try to be a skinny girl.

We are less than human and a huge waste of space taking up everyone else’s air…. And cake. In a perfect world, all of us fat girls will either fade into the background or fall off the face of the earth.