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Guilty by Proxy

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

I had a pretty good day! I had training at work which was awesome and got out early to spend time with my son. I was a beautiful day! Such perfect September weather! It's almost my Mom's birthday. This is tough. We aren't speaking. I won't go into great detail, but it's a tough situation.

My sister called with news that is making the situation worse. Because she is my mom, and regardless of my disagreement with her behaviors and actions, other family members have decided to cut my sister and I off for good. We've done nothing wrong but we are being punished even more. It hurts because they all have each other- a bunch of them. My sister and I feel like its just the 2 of us. To make matters worse, I don't have any extended family like she does with her husband. That can make holidays lonely. I've always managed to squeak by. I usually have been in a relationship until this year. I get tense thinking about it.

As my sister was telling me she's just done with everybody, I worry she's done with me too. She promised she isn't but I feel so un-separated from my mom sometimes. Like people can't be around me if I remind them of her. It sounds horrible. I wish it weren't so. And I"ve tried for years to make it not so. Please don't judge too harshly, I wish it weren't this way and I've tried and tried and tried to fix things but it's been over 30+ years of struggle and I always end up hurt.

I wanted to eat. I started to eat. But- it was 8:58 and I don't eat after 9pm. Which at first was a struggle but I"ve been doing really well lately. So I stopped. I only had a piece of cheese and a couple veggie chips. I'm not crying like I would have at one time. I feel sad but I am managing my emotions in a much more constructive way

In pure Sunshine style, I am going to focus on the positives. Noone died. There is always hope, no matter how slim it might feel. I have some pretty amazing friends that treat me like family. I will meet someone one day and probably be a part of their family too. I have a work family. I can use this as an opportunity to grow closer to my dad and half sister.

All in all, I can stay positive while facing the emotion too. I can feel sad, angry, frustrated and worried. I just cannot let those emotions rule me. They are clouds, threatening a storm on the horizon. But as I said in another post, they are a part of life. They will rain on me. I will make the best of it. I will not let myself gorge with food, smoke or run to a man to make me feel better. I may talk to a counselor. I will cry. But I am NOT guilty and I will not punish myself for this anymore.
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