What is holding me back from success?
Tuesday, October 06, 2015
Short and simple answer: I am, of course.
Long and complicated answer: It's complicated.
I have regained some of my weight .... OK, almost all of my weight. For whatever reason, I am struggling with all of my excuses: Mum's death hit me hard, it's too difficult to exercise in my apartment, I don't want to get up early to go to the gym at my university, I've got too much work to do to go in the afternoon at my university, it's so hard to cook for one person ... I could go on ad nauseum.
Add to that now I have a boyfriend who met me when I was thinner and is trying to lose weight himself and says he's concerned about the extra weight affecting my health and welfare. I'm concerned that he will leave me if I continue to gain. I don't think he actually will, mind you. I'm just afraid he will because I feel less than I was. There is no doubt that both he and I found me much more attractive at the lower weight. I struggle with the idea that I am less than at this weight and yet I still do nothing, or worse, continue with destructive eating habits.
Why? I don't know. I should after all these years, but I don't. I could tell myself that I'm not ready, but at this point I'm not sure I am going to be or when. I could tell myself to just do it and fake it until I make it, but I'm not sure if that will help.
Still, I don't like sitting and gaining, so I have to do something. I read something today that told me that even indecision is essentially a choice. The control really is with me and my choices.
So I must choose what I want more. It's tempting to choose to do nothing and go for the short term pleasures. It's harder to choose to take action because that takes effort. All of my efforts lately feel like I am wading through chest deep water. Taking care of myself is a choice. Loving myself is a choice. Everything I do is a choice. I might not see all my choices before I choose them, but that doesn't make my choices invalid.
One thing I do choose is to stop beating myself up over my choices. I have chosen, accept it and go on from that point.