FAWN73
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Fighting my Fear to Lose Weight

Tuesday, January 05, 2016

DAY 1 Twenty years ago I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. Back then I was a confident normal 23 year old young woman. I was a virgin and that was important to me. A lot of relationships I had did not work out because I would not have sleep with them. I had my own set of morals and standards. When I dated this one particular guy, he knew my standards and respected them. He never pressured me. He was into martial arts and taught karate in his own school. He was a second degree blackbelt. But he would never show me any self defense moves when i would ask. He did however, tell me i was pretty and all that gooy stuff. But there were a lot of red flags, that being 23, i didn't see, or care to see. To me, he was just a guy i was dating. Some of his red flags and why i thjnk i gained so much weight after my assault was because he focused a lot on my looks. He would complement me. He would tell me to dress up when we would go out and then he would not dress up and i would be uncomfortable and out of place. He would let me know when I put on weight. So after we broke up and I moved away (but stayed in contact) I came back to visit my familt and to visit him. I have my ideas and guesses, but i don't know why he assaulted me during that visit, but I do know that it changed my life and my self worth forever. And with that changed my body image. I didn't want to feel attractive and I needed comfort so I turned to food. It will be 20 years in July since my assault happened. I have tried to lose weight at times but when I do lose, I feel vulnerable and scared of being phisically hurt again. When i turned to food at that time, I taught myself that food is safe. So now when I'm stressed, scared, for any reason, big or small, I eat. Actually I inhale food without tasting it. So now 7 months before my 20 yr anniversary, I want to stop being afraid to look and feel attractive. And, I want to teach myself to turn to exercise or some other forms of comfort and relief. I will not have lost the 85 lbs I want by July, but I will be moving forward on that goal. And that is exciting! I am writing this blog for myself. I don't know if anyone will read it, but if so, hello, and let's be strong together. My journey begins!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MARINGAL
    Resolving emotional issues is so important if you want to succeed in losing weight.
    1750 days ago
  • HNSIDDIQUI
    I can understand how hard it must have been for you. Worst part of having a fear is that it holds us back from acgeiving great things. I am so glad you wrote this blog and let it out because you will know that you are not alone and ways to overcomeit
    1750 days ago
  • AMYHARBERT
    But i have went from 210 down to 165 so lets motivate each other we can beat this together
    1750 days ago
  • AMYHARBERT
    I'm in the same boat u are i was raped at 16 and have a 18 yr old child trust me i know how u feel and its hard add me and we can do this together we can do this and i was aleays skinny as a rail i thought if i was fat i would never be raped again
    1750 days ago
  • DWROBERGE
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1750 days ago
  • KETOZEBRA
    I'm an assault survivor as well. He assaulted you because he couldn't control how you looked or what you did anymore so he took his control in that awful way. He was a very weak man. Thank you for sharing your experience and keep up the progress.
    1750 days ago
  • PRAIRIECROCUS
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1750 days ago
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