Fighting my Fear to Lose Weight
Tuesday, January 05, 2016
Twenty years ago I was sexually assaulted by an ex-boyfriend. Back then I was a confident normal 23 year old young woman. I was a virgin and that was important to me. A lot of relationships I had did not work out because I would not have sleep with them. I had my own set of morals and standards.
When I dated this one particular guy, he knew my standards and respected them. He never pressured me. He was into martial arts and taught karate in his own school. He was a second degree blackbelt. But he would never show me any self defense moves when i would ask. He did however, tell me i was pretty and all that gooy stuff. But there were a lot of red flags, that being 23, i didn't see, or care to see. To me, he was just a guy i was dating.
Some of his red flags and why i thjnk i gained so much weight after my assault was because he focused a lot on my looks. He would complement me. He would tell me to dress up when we would go out and then he would not dress up and i would be uncomfortable and out of place. He would let me know when I put on weight. So after we broke up and I moved away (but stayed in contact) I came back to visit my familt and to visit him. I have my ideas and guesses, but i don't know why he assaulted me during that visit, but I do know that it changed my life and my self worth forever. And with that changed my body image. I didn't want to feel attractive and I needed comfort so I turned to food.
It will be 20 years in July since my assault happened. I have tried to lose weight at times but when I do lose, I feel vulnerable and scared of being phisically hurt again. When i turned to food at that time, I taught myself that food is safe. So now when I'm stressed, scared, for any reason, big or small, I eat. Actually I inhale food without tasting it.
So now 7 months before my 20 yr anniversary, I want to stop being afraid to look and feel attractive. And, I want to teach myself to turn to exercise or some other forms of comfort and relief. I will not have lost the 85 lbs I want by July, but I will be moving forward on that goal. And that is exciting!
I am writing this blog for myself. I don't know if anyone will read it, but if so, hello, and let's be strong together.
My journey begins!