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Dependence......

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Even though I have not blogged in quite sometime....I am still quietly here. I have been lost in thought and actions on who I am and what I wish to accomplish. Sometimes I am have been so overwhelmed with deep cemented honesty...that my fears surfaced with such emotions that I had to face my inner reality.

I am a professional weight watchers member without the scale supporting my identity.

When I first joined weight watchers...I just didn't want to gain anymore weight. In time, I think....knew.... I should start. Everyone wants to lose weight. I did. I just didn't want to do it....BY MYSELF. That this the bottom line...BY MYSELF. I certainly did not have the support at home....family....or friends. Even though, I had my meetings.....outside the meetings I was by MYSELF.

So...I joined ONLINE groups. I made friends. To be quite frank, I had FUN. It was exhilarating to be around with like minded people. It was grand....I was grand! If they did well...I did well. If my friends started to slip....I fell harder. When new challenges...or weeks would start..everyone was gung ho....so I was gung ho. It was a never ending cycle for me...

People started to drift away.....and.....then I do too.

Tuesday, June 9th, 2015......was truly a page turner for me. My active link was starting a new 12 week challenge and I also was starting a new 3 month tracker. I actually reasoned with myself that...this was a fresh stale. I would increase my activity points and honestly track my food journal. No more half days or missing days in my tracker. I would track. I would be mindful.

I was you know.....mindful.

I started to see where my weak points were and worked on how to change those bad habits. All those meetings gave me the insight to work on my environment....and I did.

And the scale started to move. It was slow...but it was moving in a downward trend. I started to feel good about myself...confident, but not cocky. I was still very much aware ....of my past...my limitations.

Then smartpoints came out. At first I was excited for I understood the concept. Less sugar...watch the trans fat....yep! Great concept.

I hated it. It overwhelmed me. I had negatives in my tracker. My weeklies were gone and I was having minuses in my tracker. It was unrealistic and not logical to me.

It didn't help that others in my online community were blasting the program and went back to points plus. I too thought about it. I did.

This was the new program. Everything was gear toward it. My oatmeal went up...my yogurt went up.... my weeklies went down....and...you can just forget about anything sweet! WHY...it went from one extreme to the other and I could not push that envelope anymore.

I had to really face the question.......what is it that I truly want?

Weight watchers started sending out emails on how to use your dailies...and more and more intriguing recipes started to emerge. I paid attention.

I took a deep breath......and decided to TRY.

I changed my seat in the meetings. I went from the back row to the FRONT row. My view was different. I started to get a new perspective. I was no longer distracted by others in the meeting. If people talked or moved...or fidget....I didn't see it. My focus was on the leader and her presentation. I heard jokes and comments from others. I sat up front thinking...that was me at one time.

I guess it was funny....but....now...I started to think not.

I was tracking.....finding lower point yogurt and making sure I was getting in my healthy guidelines. I wasn't worried if I had enough points or not. Most weeks..I did...and the scale was still trending downward.

It was.....very lonely for me...but...I wasn't afraid anymore. I started to believe that I could do this......

My biggest fear was doing this alone.....and...my biggest strength......was me doing this alone....for .....I realized..that i had too...for...I wanted the results.

Then....two weeks ago....out of the blue....a friend contacted me. She asked my opinion on the new program. I was honest. I gave her my pros and cons. To my surprise and delight...she joined the next day.

My friend...you have to know her. She doesn't do anything lightly. She is a go getter. She is ...a determined successful person.......and an non judgmental friend and person. She loves the program and extremely mindful.

We text a few times a day...nothing ...Extraordinary.....

Sometimes we touch base....ask for advice...share our day......celebrate our victories. It is...just right.

This past week...I could not attend my tuesday meeting ..but I did show up on Thursday just to weigh in because i could not stay. Weighing in each week is important to me.

I lost 3.5 and earned my 25 pound charm.

I just.....kept...looking at that bad boy in the palm of my hand....shaking my head...yes...reaffirming my.....self worth. I did this.

I went from being so dependent on others....so fearful of doing this alone......to........

Finding I could do this ......alone.....standing.....t
all...and proud.

And the irony of it all......

I stopped looking for a place to belong.......and....a friend....found me.......ME.....

and....it is .....okay.

It is okay....because ......I know I can do this......I believe now. I believe in ME.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MA_DIDDLES
    emoticon on the 25# loss. Good for you! I do a lot better when I do the nutritional tracker. I need to get back to doing that again. I haven't been taking the time.

    I missed your blogs too. I usually read them, but don't always comment.

    I am sincerely happy to have you on the STOP Team. Thanks for hanging out with us.
    1705 days ago
  • GRLTAZ
    Awesome !! Congrats on that 25 # and on your insights.
    1707 days ago
  • YO~YOLANDA
    Life is filled with Wonderful Paradox isn't it? For we cannot have one - without the other. You Found the Secret to Success in Finding that the Power was within you all the time...You've always had it in you...NOW you KNOW you do! Maybe this should be Re titled INDEPENDENCE! emoticon
    1707 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/21/2016 5:34:24 PM
  • PEGGYO
    emoticon
    1707 days ago
  • FUN2READ
    Very honest & inspirational!!!!

    I'm really glad you are giving WW smartpoints another try.

    If anything, it just makes you think about what you are eating, what you are really wanting to eat.... This is very helpful in your weight loss journey.

    Empowering yourself is wonderful!
    1707 days ago
  • HOLDINGMYOWN
    WW and finding a friend to share it with is just like LOVE~~ emoticon
    STOP looking and thinking about it and it ALL comes looking for you~~
    emoticon
    1708 days ago
  • HEARTOFCHRIST
    You are truly an inspiration!
    1708 days ago
  • TANYAOCD
    Way to go! Keep up the awesome work!
    1708 days ago
  • GOODLIL991
    Thanks for this. I was going to join WW tomorrow. I pulled out my old points finder & all my old trackers & all the weekly pamplets, because if I did it once, I know I can do it again. Joined sparkpeople today to get my motivation back. Congrats!
    1708 days ago
  • 1CRAZYDOG
    Awesome! You are powerful.
    1708 days ago
  • PAMELA984
    You should believe in yourself. You can do this.
    1708 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

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