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Sunday, November 25, 2018

I woke up the other day and my good knee was killing me!!! And I thought OH CRAP!!! This is not good at all! I had a setback and gained. I haven't weighed in yet. I need to replace the battery on my scale, cuz my set weigh in day are on Mondays. I am going to do it because I need to see where I am at. Last night I did pretty good with dinner, but my measurements are still out of whack. I am pulling out my "tools" again so I can measure my servings. My eyes got too big. Action speaks louder than words, and I have always been the one to say what I mean but carry through has been the hardest for me. I got stifled a ton as a child growing up. I had a dad that was an arrogant, narcissistic, tyrant that whatever HE said went. No opinions, no objections,no pointing out he was wrong(which he was at times but wouldn't admit it). If you tried to challenge him, he would get so angry that he would threaten bodily harm. My mother stood up for him so much. She admitted later she was scared of him as all of us. My mother was the type to stick her head in the sand until everything was calm again. But she was abusive too with her words, physical, and mentally. I was the oldest and alot of pressure was put on me. I have gone thru therapy, found out she parentalized me which means she made me this little extra side parent for her. When she would sleep all day I had to keep an eye on everyone else including change my baby sister's diapers, feed her,etc. and I was only 10. And then it went from there. My dad started cheating on my mom at that time and continued off and on until he left her in about 2003. And there's lots more to my family that occurred but I am not going to have enough room for that and I don't want to bore people nor am I looking for sympathy but this is part of ME that I cannot stuff away so easily. I turned to food at the age of 10. Learned it from my mother. It was solace, comfort, it didn;t yell at me, or degrade me. It was my friend. It still stays with me until this day. Though I try to break that bond, but it's strong. Many layers of wall still remain. One day I will get thru that wall. I know I will.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MARTHA324
    You have a very good idea of why you do what you do and that seems to be half the battle. And you are determined to make the changes.
    Take it slow and you'll get there. One step at a time.

    734 days ago
    How wonderful!!
    735 days ago
  • GEORGE815
    I was a member of the clean plate club when I was younger. Some habits are harder to break than others. Have a great weekend.
    735 days ago
    You are right, you will break through it!
    735 days ago
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