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Where did my motivation go?

Tuesday, November 05, 2019

I was a SP motivator. I say ‘was’ because I don’t feel that I’m up to motivating others if I can’t motivate myself any more.

I don’t binge any more, but my snacking is out of hand. I told my husband he should go shopping without me from now on, if I’m in a moodswing or just no will power, I’ll be buying chips, chocolates, etc. Really trouble if we both have no will power.

We have been buying the dark chocolate covered almonds and the milk chocolate almonds and the honey roasted almonds. I figured almonds are healthy. But, the big ‘if’ is if it is eaten in moderation. If I’m in a ‘mood’, I’ll get a bowl and a hand full of all 3 almonds plus chips, which leads me to have a chocolate milk.. That was last night’s snack after I got mad about something, don’t even remember what.

I think I was mad about not being able to reach my nutritionist, it would go to music where I was to leave a message. Ended up she did get my message as she called today and we set up an appointment.

If I had the funds I’d hire an exercise trainer. That's what I really need, accountability. If I know I’m going to have to show my food log and exercise log to someone then I think I’d be more apt to do it.

Got my blood work results. Chol 191, which is good, but, Trig 228 (last time 216) and VLDL 45.6 last time 43.2. I go back to doctor for him to go over results next week. I know he’ll probably say something like the LDL is within limits so the VLDL is okay. Then I'll say why is it red lined?

He never seems concerned with my weight unless I mention it and how unhappy I am with it. We decided that my goal would be 107. I’m between 4’7 & 4’8, so every ounce shows and 103 was my comfortable weight. I'm weighing between 111 and 113. Wearing large because my hips are to big. Medium on top but large around hips. When I was binging I was up to 120.

Although, when I was binging, the doctor did suggest Weight Watchers.. Ha, like that would work. If I was hiding food why would he think I’d follow a plan, duh! Maybe I need a woman doctor. We use our Endocrinologist as our family doctor.

I’ve been after my husband to start making food diaries so we know what we are going to eat for a week, but he agrees but that is as far as it goes. Now he is interested, so we made out the menu for the week. I’ll change it as I eat something different from what I have on the menu. It's Usually more snacks than planned.

I want to have will power to say no to people who tempt me to have foods just because it is there, like at a party, which I'm going to tomorrow 11/6.

As I'm typing this, I eating a candy bar a friend gave me yesterday.

I know I just need a new mindset. In 2012 and 2013 I was at a good weight. 2015 I believe I started binging, but got it underway around 2018, but eating and no exercising has taken it's toll.

I haven’t even been on the treadmill since Friday and no strength. But I'm sitting hours before the computer. I got caught up watching youtube, mostly mindless stuff. It was just art drawings to follow, but then somehow something caught my eye and the n there I am staying up till midnight watching some kids doing stupid challenges. I think I’ll get my kindle and get on the treadmill and read for a while. I say that now…..
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