Hiccups and Bumps in the road
Monday, November 18, 2019
Since I have started my journey last week Tuesday I've been counting calories, eating less, not eating at all after a certain hour, and only eating home cooked meals. Yesterday I was invited to a friend of a friend birthday party - I was a bit nervous, a bit anxious, and a bit scared regarding this party. On top of my social anxiety I was left open to possibly not having anything to eat after 3pm. I panicked and ordered a Vegetarian foot long on honey oat bread with Mayo and mustard added. My Vegan streak dissipated once the mayonnaise hit my lips. I quickly scarfed down my 6 inch and headed to the party. At the party there were drinks and "party food" fried wings, chips, sandwiches, cheese and meats, and liquor soaked gummy bears. The hostess demanded we take a shot as soon as we entered the party. 1 shot down I started to feel hungry (not sure if it was my anxiety or the fact that I was actually hungry) the hostess handed us cups of liquor soaked gummy bears and it was delicious- I wanted more but I refrained from getting more. Then the hostess opened the Kitchen and everyone lined up for food. I was nervous- I was hungry -there was nothing much for me to eat at this party but chips and little veggie sandwiches on white bread and those options were problematic to my goals and plans. With my stomach growling I grabbed two mini sandwiches took the meat off to make them vegetarian, I took 3 handfuls of chips, a few pieces of loose cheese and few packets of mayonnaise and mustard. I went to town on my food and it tasted good for what it was. My friend offered me a drink and I accepted. After drinking my alcoholic beverage I went for round two of food - this time grabbing more chips. I took some liquor soaked gummies home and ate my left over 6 inch and some more gummies once I got home. I realize I make bad decisions when I'm drinking or when I'm anxious. I probably went 2,000 calories over my daily intake. I told myself all next week it's vegan and raw meals. Today 11/17/19 I already messed up by eating french fries and chocolate covered coconut almonds and finishing off the remainder gummies. I was drunk last night. Drunk off of anxiety, awkwardness, liquor, and depression. Recently a partner of mine ghosted me. I thought he was "my person" the person I would spend the rest of my life with....but things didn't work out that way and I was left with confusion, questions that may never be answered and a broken heart. I tend to try to block that situation out of my mind when I go out but after all the commotion died down the liquor brought out memories and feelings I've been repressing. Now I'm here feeling sad and broken but determined to make my caloric goal tomorrow and make better decisions (praying that I make better decisions) in the future.