80,000-99,999 SparkPoints 99,762

This very sad month is finally over!

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Hello dear sparkies:

I have been barely functioning this month. What with the lockdown of the Corona virus and the sad, sad, state of grief I am in I've been struggling...a LOT!

I am happy to say I finished my challenge and lost my 5% plus an additional pound which seems like the only bright spot in the whole darn month. I love my Teddy Bear team and would walk over fire coals for them so that is the only incentive I had to try and take care of myself this month.

May has ALWAYS been a crappy month. Our beautiful son passed on May 16th, then his birthday is today when he would have turned 37 years old. The only bright spot in the whole month used to be May 20th which would have been our 45th wedding anniversary...but now that date is just another crappy day reminding me how much I have lost in this lifetime.

I'm not saying that my grief is any more important than the grief we all have bore at one point in our lives and it is of big primary importance to me but there are thousands of people suffering in this world and I never try to lose sight of that. We ALL have our crosses to bear...it just seems like when it's your own it feels paramount.

I have been applying and applying for some small business help on my little consignment shop that my hubby and I have owned for the past 10 years. I've heard NADA from everything I've applied for. This too...is extremely discouraging. and quite frankly depressing. I can only hope one of them will eventually come through for me. It angers me that big high placed corporations get the money earmarked for the small mom and pop shops but isn't that the way it ALWAYS seems to go? Money and influence...those are the markers that seem to make the world go round. Just SO unfair!

I'm also sickened and extremely upset as I'm sure so many of you are too about the blatant racism that is going on in our country. It seems that evidence RIGHT IN OUR FACES is ignored and swept under the carpet. Combine that outrage to the current anger from being locked inside for so long and you see the apocalypse it sets off. How horrible for my dear friend who lives in MN to see her beloved city trashed and burned. Just breaks my heart for her!

In the meantime, besides bumbling around the house feeling sorry for myself which is something I seldom do I'm doing everything I can to adapt my business to more of an online presence. I've been building a new website with a checkout register as I absolutely KNOW shopping has changed even more so to social media checkout now that the corona virus has forced online status.

I must say that ALL of this has gone painfully slow since I feel like I'm dragging myself through quicksand.

I don't know about you but I've found that being on lockdown has just sucked every bit of motivation right out of me. I feel like we have been conditioned by this time to just hunker down in the safety of our house isolated from the world around us.

I have had a few little 'social distancing' get-togethers with s few of my grief group friends and I think those events have been the only thing holding my sanity together.

I know we ALL have learned that we are very social creatures and we do NEED each other for motivation, inspiration, and good ole' human contact. I'd give a million dollars for a good ole' fashioned hug these days.

Thankfully I have my trusty little pal Mackelmore Blue to cuddle. He gets LOTS of cuddles and I know he enjoys them, he can get almost pesty jumping up on my lap throughout the day.

He also is my 'chief corona mask inspector' emoticon

I have also had crazy problems with my a/c. The upstairs unit croaked so I know it makes the downstairs unit work a lot harder to cool down the house where the temp can get in the mid-90's during the day here in SW Fl.

I also have to have someone come out and shore up our pergola which is rotting out and crumbling. I can't have weak wood right outside my window that can turn into missiles during hurricane season. YUCK...I don't EVEN want to think about hurricanes.

So in ending this pretty dismal update on my blog, I thank you for your wonderful support during these low times and I'm honoring my handsome son who left this earth WAY too early. He was only a few weeks shy of his 23rd birthday when he went away to a MUCH better place. He is lucky as is my husband that they are both together just waiting for the 3rd amigo to join them so we can enjoy all of our angel duties together!

I've been doing (have more than enough time to do so) a lot of thinking and pondering on why I was left behind and two of the most loved and adored precious people I have on this earth were taken away from me and the only thing I can come up with is that my life mission still has things to accomplish. Maybe it's being more empathic and understanding to all of the people suffering in pain on this earth, maybe it's to share my painful lessons to help their lives be easier, maybe it's teaching me that I can...I must survive on my own violation. Maybe ...maybe...maybe. It sadly is what it is.

Viva Joshua Gavin Signs....you were a bright and shiny soul...you gave your full self to your friends and your family. Your quick and sarcastic wit was always so funny. You loved animals and children and always picked up for and defended the underdog. You were my greatest contribution to this earth...I love you son and I'll be with you and your dad further down the river!

Here is a very cool painting of one of my fav pics of Josh that one of his buddies painted and gifted to me and his dad. Thank you Keith...I will treasure this always!

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I’m sorry that everything seems to be piling on you all at once. It can all be so overwhelming for you.
    272 days ago
    Bobbi, I think of you often and pray you are feeling a bit better now that we are almost into July... but I totally understand. My sweet hubby left this earth May 10 3 years ago and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. I know he's in a much better place but I'm still here plodding along. I had some health issues at the beginning of the year and was in the hospital for a few days the first week of March. Thankfully before the virus closed the country down. I'm better now. I'm planning to come to FL Sunday for a week to attend my granddaughter's high school graduation. WHAT a YEAR this has been! The good news is you lost your 5%, Congratulations. All I can say is keep on keeping on ... do the best you can ... and know other people care about you.
    349 days ago
    Sounds like a very sad month and made so much worse with self isolation. Thinking of you!
    368 days ago
    Ahhh... Bobbi, I missed seeing this blog. It just piled on and on for you in May, didn't it? Well, you made it through. Of course you have MANY more missions to accomplish. About the loans... you can apply more than once, can't you? Make a nuisance of yourself until you get one. Don't sit and wait. You deserve the help your tax dollars are supposed to be giving you.
    369 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Feel free to call anytime, ANY time.. we are here for you.. big hugs and hope you are wearing a piece of your jewelry, even indoors. No better person than you to model it, even in the mirror,, or to us.
    371 days ago
    Holding you in the Light, a wonderful Quaker phrase for prayer. We need all the Light we can get in dark times. The sunshine in your sweet soul is still there behind the clouds.
    371 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Today is going to be a great dy. Work on some jewelry nd show us some pics! I love seeing it.
    376 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are struggling with depression but it is so understandable. This pandemic has done more than scare the bagebees out of everyone who is afraid of contracting a virus that depletes every breath. It has made the poor poorer; the lonely lonelier; the sad sadder; the sane insane and so on..... It's rough and with all the rioting, it's not getting any easier.

    Please know that many are praying for you and hold your friendship close and dear to our hearts. Yes, there is a reason that you were left here to continue your work on Earth. I hope that light is shed on that soon so that you can get a glimpse of your value to this world.

    Many HUGS!!!
    377 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    June is also only one day at a time. You are giving happiness to so many others.. I consider my life blessed with you in it.
    378 days ago
    Oh, Bobbi, I am so sorry you have had to endure all this grief. I just cannot imagine losing the two most important people in life and being left behind to wonder how to proceed. I think you are right--you do have a mission. You are really empathetic and seem so bubbly, even from my faraway perch over here in Japan. I know you still have so much to give, and we all have so much to learn. I know May is so hard for you, especially as you remember your beloved son. That's the first time I've seen that pic of Josh at bat, and let me tell you--that makes my heart swoon! What an adorable little boy, and that smile of anticipation and joy on his face is priceless! He really looks like Don. But in the painting from his grownup days, I can see a very clear resemblance to you, too, Bobbi. What a treasure that painting must be.

    I hope and pray that a miracle happens and your small business help comes through. Totally agree about the unfairness. I mean, these multi-million dollar establishments are getting checks while ordinary businesses are gasping for breath. Sending up a fervent prayer for a lifeline to your gallery!
    378 days ago
    May was a tough month for me too....but I got through it. You can too one step at a time. Headed home today hope to see you next season. Judy🙏🙏🙏❤❤
    378 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon hang in there. there is a reason even if we don't understand or like it. you will get through this
    378 days ago
    So sorry May was such a hard month for you. Take care of yourself.
    The violence spilled over into South Dakota last night. A peaceful demonstration
    in the morning was fine but outside influences took over last night and there
    were rocks being thrown at police cars and damage done to business with
    looting. Tear gas used and the National Guard called out.
    The pandemic and isolation may have added to this misery. Hope it ends soon.
    We all need life to settle down.
    378 days ago
    Happy to hear you lost the 5% pounds! I know it has been hard for you but you are not alone. Your faith has brought you through a lot and will continue to strengthen you! emoticon emoticon
    378 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3501043
    emoticon emoticon emoticon Praying for you
    379 days ago
    379 days ago
    Bobbi, I am so sorry you are going through all this!
    However, in the middle of all that sadness you did awesome with your weight, and this is amazing my friend!
    You really know how to keep your chin up and go forward! You are my hero. emoticon
    379 days ago
    379 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    Bobbi my heart aches for you. This has been a hard month for so many but especially difficult for you.
    It’s over now so hopefully you can find a little peace.

    Sending big hugs your way.

    PS...awesome Challenge for you this time. I am really proud of you. emoticon
    379 days ago
  • EISSA7
    Anniversaries can be so very hard.... emoticon emoticon
    379 days ago
    Sure sorry Bobbi to hear of the bad month, sure understand why. Wish I had words to take your sorrow away. My younger BIL just passed away as this China thing hit, at least we got to have a funeral and wake . My wife and I are 82 and 81 so have had much time thinking what it will be like without the other, not good thoughts for sure. My advice is keep getting involved with the support group, seems to help. I will continue to pray that God guides you every day. The Old Farmer, they call, Skeeter
    379 days ago
  • no profile photo CD25551981
    Bobbi it is so hard for all of us. Us glass half full folk think we shouldn’t talk about the bad days. We MUST or we’ll go insane.
    I keep the team in my prayers all the time.
    379 days ago
    a difficult month and the pandemic Maybe you should take some kind of one line class. i just finished Jay Shetty love your life challenge it was great to spend an hour for three days with 10000 other people. My brothers birthday was may 16 he passed to early also. i hope each day gets easier Hugs
    379 days ago
    Bobbi, I am so glad that once again the month of May has passed by. I do hope that our lives get back to some kind of routine that makes sense but with all that is now going on in this darn world, it's questionable. Perfect description - going through quicksand. I feel like that a lot lately too. Today I made myself stay outside until all my gardening projects for today were finished. Well - I didn't quite finish but I got the important stuff done. Tom needs to help me put up a fence around my beans so the bunnies don't feast on them but that can wait until the next nice day.

    Good for you for losing your 5% - and during a lock down. That's amazing!
    379 days ago
    It has been a difficult month, but especially difficult for you. I don’t know how I would handle it. I have no words of wisdom for you but I am hugging you in my mind. Sure wish you could feel it. emoticon emoticon
    379 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    Praying for you through all of this,, you are only alone physically, for now. Soon you can get out and about,, we are here for you, always.
    379 days ago
  • ABBY532
    You've had very very stressful month and I know it's hard not to say good riddance to it Macklemore blue I'm thankful that you have him. Seeing him on his job as the mask inspector made me chuckle. My heart goes out to you and this time.
    379 days ago
    I pray for you each night.
    379 days ago
    I never did understand how all those Big store could stay open and all the small stores had to close. If I had the chose I would rather go to a small store than one of those money hungry places that beg us to buy their cheap, poor build stuff. And there food, also sub-standard. YOU CAN'T BE ON THE BEACH AS THEY ARE CLOSED, BUT THERE IS A WAL-MART ACROSS THE STREET, YOU CAN GO THERE. DUH, now wouldn't you think a beach would be safer, as long as you were on top of each other. lol GOVT. no one understands their thinking, and really who would want to.
    379 days ago
    Hugs and best wishes to you, Bobbi. It is a-month full of losses, made even worse by the difficult timeS we are living through. I am shocked by the murder of George Floyd, and very sorry that some of the demonstrations have erupted it into looting and violence. I am praying for better times for you, and for all of us emoticon
    379 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.