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Junk Drawer on a Trampoline

Tuesday, June 02, 2020

Since this is my brain state almost 24/7 since the last concussion, I'm sorry if this makes little to no sense.Same goes for typos. Know that I cannot read anything on the screen as I type as I cannot type and hold the screen 8 inches from my face, adjusting it regularly to get my messed up vision to refocus on it momentarily.

This is my current list of WISH I HADs.

•The ability to see things well enough to read, focus long enough mentally to engage with what I'm reading, recall what I read and engaged with well enough form some sort of coherent response, and recall that long enough and well enough to communicate it to others.

•A way to practice singing with no one around (possible exception of the dog)

•Same for guitar

•the mental and physical energy to exercise in the morning when it doesn’t automatically mea overheating and is a greater distance from the time of day the RLS is at its worst (gives me time to stretch so it has the best chance of being just RLS exacerbated – not other pain).

•a Scentsy that smells like fresh pico de gallo. I don’t even want to eat it. Just smell it. (What? Hubby just offered me some and it smelled amazing but I had no desire to eat it)

•the ability to focus long enough to find instructional videos on: basic dance (coordination level), basic levels of Thai and Tagalog, basic guitar techniques, being comfortable with embellishing while singing

•The mental ability and urge to return to, watch, and learn from these videos

•a way to cool my body when everyone else is comfortable and I am sweating

•The ability to go to the store by myself. Not because he can’t do it and do it well. Not because I don’t enjoy being with him. Because there is a simple pleasure in picking out things for yourself that you wouldn’t ask him to help/wait while you choose. Also because there is a simple pleasure in doing these with NO companion (friends will offer and it’s not just because it’s him who usually does the shopping/driving)

•the energy and confidence to get appropriately dressed and walk outside and figure out/gather the tools necessary to complete something as simple as weed-eating a patch of tall grass and do so at a time of day it will not be horribly hot and therefore unhealthy to be doing so.

•cuddly friends again. I used to have friends, close friends, who I could lie on a blanket on the grass, literally cuddled up to with no one misunderstanding or being uncomfortable. I miss cuddling for the sake of cuddling. You know, resting your head on your buddy’s belly while you both take a nap in the sun. No ulterior motives. Just that comfort and trust in the other person. Brad and Elsa both cuddle but it’s not the same and, for some reason, not always as comforting as it used to be. Non family cuddles/hugs. Weird or not, I miss it.

•Theater. Performing. The ability to actively participate in both. Not sure what all it would require to get me from here to there but many of the pieces of me and feelings I miss in my life were only present while I was doing these things.

•Family stepping up and doing things without me pointing the out and without it being because its something I am simply not up to today. I am not the only one making the mess or spending the majority of the day in the house but I am the only one who does laundry, washes dishes, takes out the trash and/or recycling before it is overflowing (or even once it is). If I am stimming and stuttering or clearly in pain or wobbly, they will come up with dinner and they often bring it to me in the chair I virtually never leave at that point. The rest? It will sit there for a week or more until I’m up to it. I don’t want to have to say, “I did it the last four times!” and guilt people into such things as dumping the kitchen recycling into the street bins. I hate being guilted into things and hate even more doing it to others. I’d like someone just once to see it needs doing …and do it…because it needs doing and they live in the house it needs doing in.

•Go through a day without my headphones on. I cannot go an hour at this time without hearing or making some sort of music. I cannot comfortably make music with my family in the house. Nothing they’re doing while here has changed other than the fact they are physically present more. It didn’t bother me to have my husband hear me practice singing before the last two concussions. Elsa was at school or at a friend’s more often but we’d sing along together with songs we both love on the radio. We each sing along with out songs now. She still feels okay doing it (quietly) in my presence. I don’t.

•The ability to create art regularly… art that feels alive again. Not flat and like it’s just sitting on the page. Not having to wait with pictures running through my head until the executive function dysfunction decides to walk away long enough to allow me to do something with them.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thankfully, my tech typing skills didn't disappear with everything else as I cannot see what I'm typing. I consider these proof that I'm still in here somewhere. To be clear, these usually get rambled outing one session and, while they are my thoughts and I do agree twith them when they're read back to me or I manage to read them bit by bit over time, I've forgotten what I've said pretty much after I've typed a paragraph.

    131 days ago
    Wow what a list!!! I can not imagine how you've been w/these things girl. It is amazing how well you are able to type your blogs so well.Praying for you complete healing.
    134 days ago
    Great blog
    144 days ago
  • ELSCO55
    Great goals
    144 days ago
  • no profile photo HOTPINKCAMARO49
    Awesome! Way to go!
    144 days ago
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