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I am aware but failing

Monday, June 08, 2020

This is a reminder to me to look back on . Hopefully , I will look back on this and a few months and be proud of myself and have lost some pounds.

I will I can't believe my last blog was 750 something days ago. Here I am even heavier. I don't even want to know anymore what I weigh. I'm feeling like such a failure right now. My stomach is huge! I've gotten back on my bike, after 5 months, I've walked, which is hard because of pain in feet. But with ibuprofen I'm okay. Walking one mile in about 22 minutes. I've done 5 miles on my bike a few times last week. And no, I don't like having to exercise! I never really did. There were times I enjoyed it, a little. But very rarely. I only like the feeling when I'm done. I am trying to stay positive about exercise. "Something is better than nothing" I tell myself.

All the things I felt good about when losing weight, I now feel the opposite. For example my body. I can feel the fat in different places, my body has changed so much. I feel my stomach, butt, legs etc.. my seatbelt wont stay down it's annoying. My stomach makes it slide up. I feel the fat when I bend over and my stomach in pressing on my legs. Chairs aren't as big anymore , my arms brush against the side of my stomach when sitting. But then everyday I eat more than I should. I've even noticed lately the amount of food I look at seems smaller. I remembered looking, let's say at a piece of meat or a bowl of something and thinking "gosh that's a lot of food", now it doesn't seem that way. So that tells me how much my consumption has increased.

It's such a long journey, I'm just so tired. I know how much determination, focus, dedication and energy both physical and mental it takes and it's so hard to get back to that way of life. God everyday seems so so long!

There so many things going on in my life from the past 2 years that I won't post about because it's just too many. Health issues, both me and mostly my husband. Family problems etc.. and this dang covid19 doesn't help anything! I don't want to emerge from isolation/stay at home life and be so fat can't do anything!

Whew, okay I need to start a journal here at home. Really think I will, to keep track of my feelings on my long long journey.

I am aware every day and one day I'm good and 3 days I'm not but that's OK because I am going to do this.... I hope.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    That's exactly what I am doing tracking again, and I am not criticizing my mess ups like I did in 16. Learning and adjusting and going on. Thank you so much for your advice.
    265 days ago
    Thank you for your advice. I've been on sparkpeople since 2016. It has helped me a lot. I did lose 70.lbs. I was at a 16lb maintained a year. The 10 lb more, now more but I'm now weighing, I know I'm not anywhere near where I first started.
    265 days ago
    It sounds like you're pretty overwhelmed. Try to be kind to yourself and start with baby steps. Changes in your diet/food will make a quicker difference in terms of weight loss, but the exercise piece helps to keep emotions more positive. If you can, start by logging your food, as that will give you a more accurate picture of where you could start to cut back. If you can manage a little walk, then do that-you don't have to start with much.
    Being on Sparkpeople is a good start!
    267 days ago
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