Whoops - major weight gain
Saturday, July 25, 2020
Suck. So, I did lose a lot of weight. But then, I had some personal crises. In the last few months, I lost my home in a flood, and am now couch surfing, crashing from friend to friend because I have no cash and nowhere to live. It is not great.
And with the extreme stress of all that is going on, I admit, I started emotionally binging. Partially because I needed a ton of energy to deal with all the constant moving, paperwork, people I've had to let know, etc. Partially also because I just don't want to feel anything at all, and food numbs me out. Also, terrible, unhealthy, numbing food is very cheap to come by.
And so now, I gained about 25lbs/11kg in just a few months. And, on top of the other stress, I now don't recognize myself, feel terrible, and don't fit into the few clothes I have saved from the flood. Which sucks.
So I dropped 5lbs so far, but I have a long way to go, all over again. I held onto it just long enough for it to be solidified as real fat, not just food weight... so essentially I have to start all over again like I never lost those lbs/kgs. Thank god there is a limit for me, and I am absolutely unwilling to gain all the way back to a single lb more! I can't tolerate this. I am certainly not willing to gain all 75lbs/34kg back!
But I think this is going to be very hard. I am still in the midst of a lot of chaos, still dealing with very serious medical issues, and at the moment am not as motivated as I will need to be. So I can't exercise all that much, and I really REALLY still want to eat myself into oblivion! It's humiliating, but I have to be honest. The only way to do this really is to eat significantly fewer calories, and to attempt here and there where my medical situation allows, to build some muscle. And that is going to feel like I'm restricting and punishing myself, now in this moment when there is not a single enjoyable thing in any of my days. Like, I know that the reward is going to be positive, that I'll feel better and be healthier and possibly live longer, and be stronger. But right now, what do I care about any of that? :) I want to feel better NOW. And what makes me feel better almost instantly? Stuffing myself with junk food until I can barely breathe. It feels like a hug from the inside. It feels like mind-altering chemicals. It feels, yeah, a bit like food addiction.
It's so easy to be in denial, to pretend this isn't happening. To not look to closely at my sides bulging out of my clothes, my face gathering chub, how winded I am just going up stairs. If I just never look at myself in the mirror at all, and never take any photos, I can get through my day, and I never have to be the wiser. Sure, my clothes feel like sausage casing. Sure, I never want to leave to do any errands, or ever have people see me. But, if I don't look at it, it's not really happening, right?
I guess I don't have a plan exactly. But, I'm writing here, trying to find the motivation. I know when I posted here in years prior, I did feel some level of accountability, and it did matter to me each time I could log in and post another lb lost. It feels a little different now, not hitting new numbers, but reaching the same weights over and over again. It doesn't feel like as much of an accomplishment. It's hard to get excited to hit a new weight, that was a weight I already thought of just a few months ago as really fat. Like yay! - a ton of work put in, lots more very hard days, and now I've hit a lower number that is... still fat.
But I have to try to remind myself, if I lose even 10lbs/4.5kg, I will feel a lot happier and more comfortable. And that in theory, I can get there in not all that long from now. And that if I just stick it out, all this stress will go away. And somehow, maybe a few months from now, I will be able to start my life over, have a home to live in, and at least be at a normal weight for myself when I do that so I will not have such a sense of a loss of identity. I definitely don't want it to be worse than this - so even if I can lose 5 lbs, and then maintain, it would be a lot better than this weight gain that is moving like a runaway train. It would also be a lot better for me not to have to buy all new clothes for a much thicker self. It all accumulated in my stomach, my thighs, my butt, my arms, in the most alarming way.
I just want to go back to wear I was. Hopefully by writing this, I can stick out the hardest moments where I am really stressed, when somebody says something awful to me, when this housing situation feels particularly hopeless and my future has no meaning, and find another way to cope with the feelings of terror, sadness, futility. The eating all night because I'm afraid to sleep is not helping me. Then I just wake up and hate myself more.
I hope soon I can use writing these entries as a healthier distraction, or start logging in some loss! 10 more to go and I will start to at least feel human again. Funny how you can miss something you didn't used to appreciate before. But every step of progress, can be lost in an instant, just when you thought you had everything really in hand and would never go back to that same position ever again.