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Stuff I learned from yesterday

Tuesday, October 13, 2020

Yesterday, I had a horrid time focusing on my job. I made it through but it was draining. I wasn't very hungry and, instead of eating anyway, which I've done a lot, and, instead of drinking beer out of habit, both things being things I've done to both pass the time and try to numb my deflated, depressed, raw and grumpy state (cuz I'm not "allowed" t be that way even though everyone around me gets that privilege),.... Instead of eating or drinking, I just SAT. I sat in my chair and watched the ball game. I didn't let Matthew bully me into eating the chicken wings he'd bought even though I didn't say I wanted them (because he didn't ask). i didn't let him persuade me to drink a beer. I didn't let him "tell" me that my mood wasn't acceptable (just because he didn't like it and wanted it to stop). I just SAT. And I allowed myself to be in a funk. Again, I need to stop pretending that I don't get in a funk. I need to stop trying to get OUT of funks in a hurry (by eating and drinking) so that the people around me aren't "uncomfortable". Phhllbbtt on that. I NEED TO BE FAIR TO ME.

Deep breaths!

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