A Bit of a Tirade? (Or just a release of Frustration.)
Wednesday, December 02, 2020
Hope you all don't mind. I'm going to relieve my mind a bit here.
I have been in a terrible slump. Can't tell you when it actually started. Back in March, sure. But, I've been able to swing my way out of the negativity most times and work my way forward. Usually, with a lot of help from my wonderful friends here on Sparks who are so giving of their time to "listen" when I need an ear. Most times that's all it takes. Sometimes, I need a bit of someone else's outlook on things. I'm looking too far into myself, which is bad.
I try really hard to be supportive to others who need it. So many need it more than I. Are in greater need than I. So many don't have anyone to turn to.
It makes it very difficult with this Covid to be able to get together with anyone and just talk things out because of the social distancing thing. To tell the truth, I really don't know who I could go to anyway who would be close by. My "BESTIE" lives in Virginia. Works a lot of hours. My husband is a man. (Need I say more?) Honestly, he does the best he can but he doesn't understand. And I'm worried about him too.
This past month, the Whole Month of November in fact, I've been stuffing my face with junk. I look back on it and wonder if I think of it as a birthday present to myself since I didn't get anything from anyone, other than a card from my husband? Did that bring me so far down into a depression that I had to sabotage myself? (Just typing it out makes me think that's maybe what it's been.) Do you ever feel like everyone has forgotten you when they forget your birthday? Even my children. I received nothing from them or my grandchildren. My daughter called me.... the next day. My son "Text" me!! (HUH?!?!)
Anyone who's been depressed knows how hard it is to bring yourself out of it. Although you may try daily, making lists, trying consistently to do the same things day after day, it just ends up being the same thing. Yes, I do get some exercise in every day. Yes, I do TRY to eat sensibly at breakfast at least. Lunch and Dinner are up for grabs for several reasons. Mostly having to do with my husband and my frustration with his expectations. (I won't go into that.)
But when I want to eat something, not generally when I'm bored really but when I'm stressed about something or emotional about something, that's when it's hard. That's when I've got to have sugar. At least for the last month. I don't remember what I did prior to November when I got into those periods! I've racked my brain trying to remember! I KNOW I did something else other than eating! Cause I was losing weight!! My mind has blanked it out!!
It wasn't always cleaning my house. There's only so much I can do by myself with my house. Seriously, it needs a complete overhaul. Only we don't have money to put into it at this time with me not working.
That's another thing that has me down. My husband wants me to get another job. I'm terrified of working outside of our home. Not only because of the Covid. But because of my anxiety too. It's been almost 2 years since I held a full-time job. That job was SO stressful. I worked it for 17 years! Even my husband agreed I needed to leave that job. Only, he would have been happier if I could have had another job ready to take me on prior to that.
The only jobs I think I could possibly manage are work from home jobs. Perhaps data processing or something similar. Yes, I have been putting my resume out and filled out some applications online. Now my email box and text are being flooded with a lot of junk! I'm not even sure what's real and what's spam! Companies don't Call people anymore?!?! Is that too old-fashioned?
Sorry, this has gotten so long. Thanks for reading this far, if you have made it this far.