Thursday, January 21, 2021
Had the weirdest dream last night. Everything I wanted done, I just had to say what is was and point at where it needed to happen, and it happened. Over the last couple of years (almost) since that last brain injury, I have had, yes, waves, of dreams. At first I barely dreamed and, since insomnia has a regular and sometimes constant companion, spent a lot of time not even using that part of my brain. I’m guessing those were times the brain was working on healing the bits it uses for those processes. Anyway, until the last concussion, I have always remembered my dreams in the morning. I’ve been told that means something in regards to the depths of sleep I am and am not reaching. Can’t hold that particular bit of science in my brain. If I ever get some semblance of effective healthcare, maybe they’ll finally do a sleep study and I’ll mention it then.
Now that I’m dreaming solidly again and have been for months with occasional insomnia bouts of course. I decided maybe I should write down what I’ve been dreaming about as there seem to be some constants in the content. Maybe they’re things my subconscious is focused consistently on for a reason? Anyway, in a large way, it’s like my brain has reset to 17, when I was in my first semester of college, and when I met my husband. I’m not actually remembering or dreaming about that time though. I am dreaming about being my current age but a different person… who is still pursuing many of the same paths I was then. The me in my dreams is still actively singing but, for a living, she works in theater on the technical side but still acts on a hobby level on the side. She speaks four languages fluently and is conversant in two more. There are more current elements like a more experienced, active art life, and living in another country (the urge to travel has become so much stronger). She lives right next to the ocean so she never has to drive to get that peace that I only get when near powerful water.
I can’t help but wonder if my brain, knowing on a conscious and subconscious level that I am not longer in the career I ended up in due to factors arising from the brain injuries and my younger child is nearly 16 now. It knows my husband is now retired and home full time. It knows my life is no longer as restrictive scheduling wise and, pandemic notwithstanding, I could possibly return to these things actively. My conscious brain still does not see me as able to make a living at them – especially since the conscious brain refuses to focus on the tasks it would take to make any of those things into money sources – but it’s like it wants me to reconsider them as things to haul back into my life?
Last night? I’m guessing it’s just that powerless feeling a lot of us are getting right now. A lot of us are stuck at home with few options for activity even if we do go out and little power to change that. I get that. I’ve been in that powerless situation longer as this injury took away my ability to drive or even see consistently. I live 7 miles from the edge of town. I can’t just lightly decide to walk down to town when not being able to drive makes me feel trapped. I get horrible motion sickness on winding roads or long car drives. Sometimes I get it on short drives (like yesterday’s trip to the edge of town for my weekly chiropractor visit). This means, even though hubby would willingly drive me to the mountains (about an hour’s drive) for some nature therapy, the trip would make me unable to enjoy it and the drive back would undo any therapeutic effects I received. Yes, I’m complaining but it’s more than that, I swear. If you HAVE the opportunity to do the nature therapy that helps you most – a trip to a secluded beach, a hike in the foothills – without risking your health or that of others right now, DO IT. I will find ways for me. I don’t know what they are yet but I’ll find them. Don’t let the inertial lethargy of lockdown keep you from doing these things that will help you. I feel it too. That “ooh that would be really nice today” but never quite getting to that next stage of making it happen when there’s no obstacle outside of that. Fight it.