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Sitting by the fireplace

Sunday, January 24, 2021

The Cooper-dog and I are sitting in the recliner in front of the wood stove. I like watching the flames. It is almost 4am. I have been up since about 2am. I guess this is what happens when I retreat to bed at 5pm. I have really been struggling with my mental illness. I called and talked to my therapist Friday afternoon. It didn’t help a lot, except that I felt heard. He said he would pass the information on to the psychiatrist. I guess I felt better for doing something proactive, instead of just sitting here waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don’t “like” to talk about the mental illness part of my internal life, but if I hide it away like I am ashamed of what my brain is telling me and what I do to cope, then I am giving it even greater power over me... more importance. If I can deal with this as just another part of my life it can be minimized in my perception of its importance. It gets very tiring though to carry this mental weight with me everywhere. I wish I could just set down and set it aside for a while, but that is not my experience. It makes me think of juggling weights... heavy ones... and if I drop one I can seriously hurt myself. Sleep is pretty much the only way that I have recently found to allow me to safely set down the weights... for a while. Otherwise I am here juggling madly, and I am getting pretty tired. Wherever you are in the world I hope you have a marvelous day!
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