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Hi My name is Monika, I am 39 yrs old, I have Bipolar and anxiety disorder. I was emotionally and physically abused as a child by my dad, and I was sexually assaulted by a coworker 15 yrs ago...these things as well as meds I have been on has helped me to gain weight, now I am looking to change years of bad habits and failures and finally lose weight to feel good about myself again.

In a recent sermon at church I learned that in order to grow in Gods word and reaching up for him, we need to set our roots in the depths of our dark lives. Just as a tree digs its roots deep in the ground in order to grow tall, we need to do the same. A tree can not grow if it doesnt dig its roots, it is the same for our lives in God. In digging our roots, we need to first deal with our dark side...for me this is dealing with my depression, self injury, as well as my past abuse and sexual assault. Once I face that and come to terms with that I can grow and become a better child of God.

I believe that the same can happen with my weight loss, when I start to look down deep in my life I can deal with the issues that is keeping me from losing weight and once I do that I will be able to meet my goals much better.

I am starting today to work on my dark side today and maybe in the future I can grow tall and be a better person for it. With the help of God, my friends and this site I believe that I can finally meet my goals. I will be a better person for it.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13

Thankful list:
1. God loves me
2. Sunshine
3. My cat
4. I am healthy
5. I can walk
6. Music
7. computers
8. Movies
9. Food to eat
10. Friends
11. Spark people friends
12. I have a place to live
13. Rain
14. My parents
15. My nieces
16. Busses
17. My doctor
18. My therapist
19. Daffodils
20. I can see
21. I can walk
22. My avon customers
23. Clothes to wear
24. I can hear
25. Hot showers
26. Long walks
27. warm sunny days
28. My parents Dog
29. Computer games
30. Green trees
31. Flowers
32. The cool breeze on a warm day
33. Laughter
34. Getting through a rough day
35. prayer
36. puzzles
37. Church friends
38. Flowers
39. Cherry blossoms
40. cuddling with my cat
41. Jesus Died for Me!
42. Big warm fleece blankets
43. My sisters
44. Angels...they got to be there, or I wouldnt be here, hehe
45. Butterflies
46. Birds...love to wake up to the birds singing
47. Glasses so I can see
48. Memories of my grandma...I loved her so much and miss her lots
49. Books
50. Cameras...so I can have pics of those I love
51. Game shows
52. Food
53. I am finally losing weight
54. better relationship with dad
55. socks
56. shoes
57. Sunshine, hehe
58. couch
59. soft comfortable shirts
60. Jeans
61. fleece pajama pants
62. getting pics of my nieces
63. watching favorite tv shows
64. Fruit
65. Sleep
66. The hero house
67, New friends

One thing I learned in the hospital:
3 steps to use when angry/hurt:

1. Contain feelings and urges
-allow yourself to feel angry or hurt
2. Let time pas: Self sooth
-find something to calm yourself and allow time to pass
3. Check in
- talk it through with person that hurt you
- if you cant do that talk it through with someone close or therpist

This works well for anger, when you are hurt or even anxiety. It helps to avoid using harmful ways of dealing with problems, and replaces it with healthy coping methods.

I am working on using this, I succssfully used it once while in the hospital, but still need to work on it.

Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Doubt vs. Faith

Doubt sees the obsticals,
Faith sees the way.

Doubt sees the darkest night,
Faith sees the day.

Doubt dreads to take a step,
Faith soars on high.

Doubt questions, "Who believes"
Faith answeres, "I".

Author unknown
Yep something I need to remember.

Member Since: 2/11/2009

Fitness Minutes: 3,500

My Goals:
I am working to lose enough weight where I feel I look good, healthier and feel good about myself.

My Program:
I am kicking up my excersize routine as well as starting to eat healthier, substituting junk food for fruits and veggies.

Personal Information:
My name is Monika, I am 36 yrs old and I am from Washington state.

Other Information:

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