Saturday, May 15, 2010
It has been about three months since my last blog and I have still allowed my self to be treated badly by someone I care about. Today I went thru something that he left at my house and saw some emails that hurt me. They say be careful when u go looking for stuff because u just may find it and I did. I spent half of my day with a migraine and depressed while he is out living his life.
I think I have been afraid to let go out of fear that he will go on and be happy and I will still be by myself when that is going to happen whether I choose to stick around and continue to be treated badly or not. I have accepted the worse treatment I ever have from him in the last few years and it has taken a toll on me. I have battled depression and self esteem issues for a very long time and this has just pushed me over the edge. If I didn't have my children, I would really be a complete and utter mess.
I also have the weight of having my mother and brother live with me at the moment. It's very stressful being the only person in the house who cares about keeping it clean and making sure the bills are paid. I still haven't found a job yet but I have to go back to work very soon just to stay sane. It's frustrating when everybody is looking at u to supply food, cigarettes, basic necessities and pay all of the utilities plus make sure a phone is in the house and cable. I have three children, one whom lives with his father, to take care of. My brother is a severe alcoholic and I feel full of resentment towards him for not wanting to be a man and take care of himself and his needs. He has lost his last three jobs from drinking and has no children and is more than 10 yrs older than i am. My grandma passed away a few yrs ago and she took care of him his whole life. He can take care of himself. He just doesn't want to and I don't want to put him out in the street.
I just feel broke down and trapped. I don't see how I can get my mom to live on her own when she doesn't make enough money or manage the money she makes well. I'm just really frustrated, lonely, ashamed, carrying guilt from my past mistakes and eating my way through it all. I have gained 7 pounds in the last couple of months and I feel terrible. I eat to not think about the man and my living situation. I just don't know what to do and felt the need to blog in what I feel like is a safe haven to get it out. I don' t talk to my friends about what I go through anymore. I have trust issues so I keep everything to myself. Heaven help me.........