Who am I?
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Somehow today I just don't know. I am not sure who I am and who I want to be. I don't even know who I was.
My friend saw the author Geneen Roth on Oprah. She is the author of Woman Food and God. My friend bought copies of the book for us. I just read the Prologue.
My realization is that I am not sure who I am. A person in there says that she was too big and colorful for her mom, who was depressed.
My dad married a lady who did not feel good about herself. My dad married because he did not know how he was going to be a single dad forever. So he married a lady to take care of us. He has told me he knew it was wrong, but felt hopeless and did it anyway.
She married because she was fat and thought that no one else would ever ask her to marry her. So there you have it.
I was a typical kid with all that goes with it. I think that she was afraid of what I would do or say. I was very honest. Most kids are. I was and still am sort of a tell it like it is kind of person. Although now I am more concerned about how people will take it. I try not to say rude or unkind things.
Anyway I wonder if part of my problem is that I am out of touch with myself. If I lost who I am on some level and use food to try to figure it out. On some days I feel like I should be done with this journey. But, then I don't always do what I know I should.
My excuses are:
it is too hard.
I have to do something with the kids
I don't really want to.
I did not get a chance.
I was busy.
I don't know how.
There are so many others.
What would my house look like if I let it reflect the true me?
What would I look like.
The premise of the book is that everything is reflected on the plate. It all is reflected in how we deal with food. Something to think about. It just may be true for me. I kind of think that it is.
What would I be if only I could be who I was meant to be... I just don't know. Will anyone like me if I am that person?
Change is hard.