a million to go? Who knows.. It blows my mind how helpless i currently am. There's nothing i can do (except sleep and that's a little iffy) without assistance. I'd like to just be able to prop myself up on one elbow for a change of position and i can't even do that.
i'm doing well with going out on walks because that’s encouraged but the amount of pain and stiffness and how SLOW i am on these walks is so sad. i can't even see my bike rides, my roller skating, and my elliptical because it's all so far in the future. And all i can see in my immediate future is ..fat.
The first day after surgery i definitely ate. But i wasn't allowed anything to eat or drink the whole of the day before.. not even a sip of water. Usually coffee can sustain me but with nothing i was dying and so i woke up ravenous. The next few days were better. i barely ate before dinner, i'd only have what my mom forced me to have. And then dinner was one of my recipes so i could calculate what i was eating and didn't have much appetite anyway.
However, starting friday my brother came up to stay with us too and i was really too tired to think or plan much so my mom took over the cooking. With my brother there we generally had a huge brunch and a ginormous, fatty(fantastic) dinner and homemade dessert.
My weight was down to just 1lb up from my lowest before the weekend and now who knows where it is.
i bought a fabulous dress for the upcoming banquet i'm attending and it breaks all my self-conscious rules so i need to be as thin as possible. i'll be so embarrassed if i only look mediocre.
So today, i made the mistake of getting up in time for 'breakfast' which after a 30 min struggle turned out to be coffee and so far 1/4 of a banana. However, since i'm unable to move to the garbage and don't have a dog to finish it, i'm likely going to have to. i know.. i sound disordered. i'll admit ..i'm having some current issues. How humiliating. i know all the rules, i know all the right ways.. i have several fantastic friends who might not respect me quite as much anymore.. it's sad that i have tainted my healthy success with disorder. i lost all my weight the 'right' way. i know i can come back from this.
Okay, back from sidebar. I think i might end up deleting that. I'm going to try to bribe my brother to come back up here for dinner(it means driving an hour after work and then driving home an hour cuz he has work tomorrow) with the thought of ordering pizza. Another good reason to eat as little as possible coming up.
The drugs i’m on are making things very interesting. First i feel devoid of emotion and then full of it. I don’t' realize how much i'm drugged until i have an 'out there' thought. Like when i thought of frolicking through the purple threads in my towel or when everything suddenly seemed to be growing around me. I'll be talking/typing/eating and just... space out. Finding the ground sometimes seems impossible and then suddenly i hit the ground so hard i swear i physically hurt.
On the bright side, i'm learning Spanish! Que es esto? Es una manzana y un sandwich!