This is me...but it won't be forever.

Friday, June 01, 2012

This is me..

I'm over 200 lbs. (Honestly, it's a frightening thought.) Hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore. I'm recieving hand-me-downs from my mother - clothes that are too big for her now. (I'm very happy for her, just not for me.) I avoid social engagements, other than church. I hate to be seen out in public, for fear of running into someone I know and risking they see what I've become. I've been doing this since I was still in the 170's. (I went to one of my high school's football games and heard several different people whisper, "Oh my gosh! Is that Suzie?? What HAPPENED to her?) I even find myself avoiding family get-togethers when family I haven't seen in many months/years will be there. A relative asked me if I was pregnant last week. I said no, and he asked me if I was sure! I un-tag myself from any photo of me posted on facebook, unless it's from the shoulders up.
My children innocently make remarks about my "big tummy" or their "big mommy." Teenagers drove by and yelled "hog" out the window and laughed like it was the funniest thing on earth. My neighbor called me a cow because he thought I was looking at them, when I was only taking trash to our dumpster. (I live around some very immature people. I take every last remark to heart. I loathe myself. And rather than working on fixing the problem that cause me so much shame and anxiety, I stuff down those feelings with chocolate or any other food that will help numb my feelings. I wear sweat pants 90% of the time. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged because of my unhealthy eating habits. I have felt stuck, defeated, and just plain hideous.

But, I can't sit here and endure this forever. I have been yo-yoing for 5 years now, and I just can't stand it anymore. Even if it takes me longer than I'd prefer to get every last pound off, I am at least going to give my best every day. I don't want to gain anymore weight, and I don't want to keep gaining back every pound I've worked so hard to lose. So, here's to a new beginning. May it be everything I hope for and more.

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  • ANNIEONLI are at the point where enough is enough....I can tell in your tone. I think it's time to get mad and get of my tricks to get things going was to prove people wrong about weightloss...that it can be done and kept off. Someone I love told me that it would probably come back on too like it always had...and that really really ticked me off!! So, while most parts of this is for my health, there is one small part that is to prove the nay sayers wrong. Maybe my little mind trick will help you start getting it off and keeping it off for good this time!

    You can do this!!!
    3265 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12460139
    I wish I could say I haven't been there, but I so have. I'm sorry about you neighbors, but this is a new beginning as you said. I believe in you to accomplish your goals!
    3265 days ago
    I wish you well in your endeavors. I hope you find all the support and encouragement that you need here. Best wishes emoticon emoticon
    3265 days ago
    Wow! Your blog made me so sad. People can be so mean and sometimes I don't think that they even understand. If they were wearing the shoe it would be different. I know how you feel. Trying to avoid being in any pictures. We were just at the zoo last weekend and my husband looked back thru the pictures and said that I wasn't in any. Well, I like it better that way for now.

    But don't let those immature people bring you down. You sound like a very strong person and you are so beautiful!!!! I love SP and the friends that I have come to love. We can do this all together.

    Then you can show them all! Keep smiling and kill them with kindness.

    I would love for you to add me on as one of your friends!

    3265 days ago
    Suzy..OMG....almost everything you said, I have been through. It really hurts...I've had people OINK at me before...laugh at me & talk about me! you have decided it's time to take your fate in your have the power! I KNOW it can be done..because I did it! It will get better!! I will be there with you...let me know if I can help in anyway!!

    3265 days ago
    Sharing the same feelings with you today. Avoidance of family and friends is a big one for me and I've noticed lately that I don't like to eat in front of anyone because I wonder what they are thinking about my food choices. The guilt and shame is overbearing at times. I fear I will turn into a closet eater.

    Hope things get better in your corner.
    3265 days ago
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