This is me...but it won't be forever.
Friday, June 01, 2012
This is me..
I'm over 200 lbs. (Honestly, it's a frightening thought.) Hardly any of my clothes fit me anymore. I'm recieving hand-me-downs from my mother - clothes that are too big for her now. (I'm very happy for her, just not for me.) I avoid social engagements, other than church. I hate to be seen out in public, for fear of running into someone I know and risking they see what I've become. I've been doing this since I was still in the 170's. (I went to one of my high school's football games and heard several different people whisper, "Oh my gosh! Is that Suzie?? What HAPPENED to her?) I even find myself avoiding family get-togethers when family I haven't seen in many months/years will be there. A relative asked me if I was pregnant last week. I said no, and he asked me if I was sure! I un-tag myself from any photo of me posted on facebook, unless it's from the shoulders up.
My children innocently make remarks about my "big tummy" or their "big mommy." Teenagers drove by and yelled "hog" out the window and laughed like it was the funniest thing on earth. My neighbor called me a cow because he thought I was looking at them, when I was only taking trash to our dumpster. (I live around some very immature people. I take every last remark to heart. I loathe myself. And rather than working on fixing the problem that cause me so much shame and anxiety, I stuff down those feelings with chocolate or any other food that will help numb my feelings. I wear sweat pants 90% of the time. I look in the mirror and see how much I have aged because of my unhealthy eating habits. I have felt stuck, defeated, and just plain hideous.
But, I can't sit here and endure this forever. I have been yo-yoing for 5 years now, and I just can't stand it anymore. Even if it takes me longer than I'd prefer to get every last pound off, I am at least going to give my best every day. I don't want to gain anymore weight, and I don't want to keep gaining back every pound I've worked so hard to lose. So, here's to a new beginning. May it be everything I hope for and more.