I have been MIA! Out there enjoying life! I guess its a natural progression when you loose so much weight. I have lost 112lb now. I have about 15lb to go to goal.
I am feeling a little sad today. I probebly should be angry but I am stuck at sad for now.
Jealousy is one feeling I really dont understand. Sure some people have more than others but thats life right??? If we focus on the what we DO have, we all have plenty to be greatful for.
It was pointed out to me that for people who dont have the sleeve it is "hard for them to swallow" me continuing to loose weight consistantly. They feel like they are slogging it out while its so easy for me. They feel like I am rubbing it in their face.
I have been very careful in what forums I "celebrate" my milestones. I realise I have an amazing tool that does indeed help me loose alot of weight quickly.
Why do I feel like I need to defend myself?
I spent 20 years sitting on the sidelines watching life go by - now I get to participate
While others brought clothes and loved their 20yr old bodies mine slowly got more and more damaged with multiple pregnancies and obesity.
While others succeded in careers and were confident in their ability in their 30's, I hid behind my family and worked with little children cause as long as you are kind and funny, they dont care that you are the fattest person in the room.
When other people went shopping, they saw something they liked and brought it off the rack. I shopped by size. Find the size 22 and choose something I could afford and wouldnt cling too much - then make sure I wore bright jewellery and makeup to maybe distract from my body.
If other people wanted to go to the beach or swimming they just went - I had to carefully decide how I could cover up and was it going to be hot enough for my ankles to swell up and if that happened, how could I hide it.
Other people winge and moan when they gained a few kilos - I felt dissappointed cause i could loose 10kg and nobody could tell. I rarely complained about my weight. I covered my pain with humor.
My family are all blessed with my husbands metabolism - they can eat anything and stay slim and trim. Everything I ate stayed on me. I tried everything over the years to conquer this. I would enjoy momentary success and ultimately fail. EVERY time. I got to the point where I saw even trying as a prequel to failure - so whats the point. And yet I could see my life slipping away. I was still fairly healthy at 38 but for how much longer? How many more years could I laugh the pain away before diabetes or heart disease sat my on my backside? I hope I am painting a picture of hopelessness for you here cause thats how I felt.
Deciding to have this operation was one of the hardest things to do. In order to go thru with it. I had to concede defeat. I had to accept I had failed. I had to admit that even tho regular weightloss methods worked for normal people, I was in over my head. I was dying and I needed help. My doctor couldnt help me, the gym couldnt help me, diets couldnt help me.
People make such such a big deal about the money this operation cost me. $18k which we put on the mortgage. Would it less offensive to people if it was free? Would I be less selfish if I had spent that money on a boat for the whole family to enjoy while I sat on the side lines cheering them on - too scared to get on the ski biscute cause if i fell off there would be no way I could hoist myself back up again?
Would my surgery be more or less offensive to people if it was free?
You know whats expensive? Ongoing health issues. Doctors appointments and specialist appointments, prescriptions, Diets and potions. And funerals. Funerals are expensive.
We lost my mother inlaw many years ago and my husband and his siblings recieved an inheritance (funny, people had an opinion on that too) Any one of us would have gladly given that money back to have her alive and well with us all. The inheritance was bitter sweet. I wonder if $18k is too much for me to be alive to enjoy a future with my children and grandchildren someday? Not many people have that perspective.
I feel like I have been released from prison. I have done my time being bound by my body. Being stuck in my head. I am experiencing new things everyday that most people take for granted.
The fact that other people make this about THEM makes me scratch my head. My freedom makes them jealous?? Its like how dare you pop you head up and shine and be proud of yourself, you are casting a shadow on us and we dont like it. The tall poppy must be cut down - off with her head! ( was totally imagining the Queen of Hearts when I wrote that LOL)
Part of me feels for them cause I have also struggled. I do try and be very careful where and when and with whom I celebrate. It is never my intention to rub any ones nose in it. I am so very greatful and humbled to have this tool.
I also need to be careful not to slink back into the shadows. I have not come all this way and been thru all I have to be invisable again because it makes other people uncomfortable.
I dont want to be insensitive but I dont ever want to feel like I used to again.
Where is the balance?
I hope some of you have some answers cause I really dont know.