Monday, March 18, 2013

Hi guys emoticon
I have been MIA! Out there enjoying life! I guess its a natural progression when you loose so much weight. I have lost 112lb now. I have about 15lb to go to goal.
I am feeling a little sad today. I probebly should be angry but I am stuck at sad for now.
Jealousy is one feeling I really dont understand. Sure some people have more than others but thats life right??? If we focus on the what we DO have, we all have plenty to be greatful for.
It was pointed out to me that for people who dont have the sleeve it is "hard for them to swallow" me continuing to loose weight consistantly. They feel like they are slogging it out while its so easy for me. They feel like I am rubbing it in their face.
I have been very careful in what forums I "celebrate" my milestones. I realise I have an amazing tool that does indeed help me loose alot of weight quickly.
Why do I feel like I need to defend myself?
I spent 20 years sitting on the sidelines watching life go by - now I get to participate
While others brought clothes and loved their 20yr old bodies mine slowly got more and more damaged with multiple pregnancies and obesity.
While others succeded in careers and were confident in their ability in their 30's, I hid behind my family and worked with little children cause as long as you are kind and funny, they dont care that you are the fattest person in the room.
When other people went shopping, they saw something they liked and brought it off the rack. I shopped by size. Find the size 22 and choose something I could afford and wouldnt cling too much - then make sure I wore bright jewellery and makeup to maybe distract from my body.
If other people wanted to go to the beach or swimming they just went - I had to carefully decide how I could cover up and was it going to be hot enough for my ankles to swell up and if that happened, how could I hide it.
Other people winge and moan when they gained a few kilos - I felt dissappointed cause i could loose 10kg and nobody could tell. I rarely complained about my weight. I covered my pain with humor.
My family are all blessed with my husbands metabolism - they can eat anything and stay slim and trim. Everything I ate stayed on me. I tried everything over the years to conquer this. I would enjoy momentary success and ultimately fail. EVERY time. I got to the point where I saw even trying as a prequel to failure - so whats the point. And yet I could see my life slipping away. I was still fairly healthy at 38 but for how much longer? How many more years could I laugh the pain away before diabetes or heart disease sat my on my backside? I hope I am painting a picture of hopelessness for you here cause thats how I felt.
Deciding to have this operation was one of the hardest things to do. In order to go thru with it. I had to concede defeat. I had to accept I had failed. I had to admit that even tho regular weightloss methods worked for normal people, I was in over my head. I was dying and I needed help. My doctor couldnt help me, the gym couldnt help me, diets couldnt help me.

People make such such a big deal about the money this operation cost me. $18k which we put on the mortgage. Would it less offensive to people if it was free? Would I be less selfish if I had spent that money on a boat for the whole family to enjoy while I sat on the side lines cheering them on - too scared to get on the ski biscute cause if i fell off there would be no way I could hoist myself back up again?
Would my surgery be more or less offensive to people if it was free?
You know whats expensive? Ongoing health issues. Doctors appointments and specialist appointments, prescriptions, Diets and potions. And funerals. Funerals are expensive.
We lost my mother inlaw many years ago and my husband and his siblings recieved an inheritance (funny, people had an opinion on that too) Any one of us would have gladly given that money back to have her alive and well with us all. The inheritance was bitter sweet. I wonder if $18k is too much for me to be alive to enjoy a future with my children and grandchildren someday? Not many people have that perspective.

I feel like I have been released from prison. I have done my time being bound by my body. Being stuck in my head. I am experiencing new things everyday that most people take for granted.
The fact that other people make this about THEM makes me scratch my head. My freedom makes them jealous?? Its like how dare you pop you head up and shine and be proud of yourself, you are casting a shadow on us and we dont like it. The tall poppy must be cut down - off with her head! ( was totally imagining the Queen of Hearts when I wrote that LOL)
Part of me feels for them cause I have also struggled. I do try and be very careful where and when and with whom I celebrate. It is never my intention to rub any ones nose in it. I am so very greatful and humbled to have this tool.
I also need to be careful not to slink back into the shadows. I have not come all this way and been thru all I have to be invisable again because it makes other people uncomfortable.
I dont want to be insensitive but I dont ever want to feel like I used to again.
Where is the balance?
I hope some of you have some answers cause I really dont know.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • PICKIE98
    First of all, it is nobody else's business how you did this. IF you lost an arm and that arm weighed fifty pounds, would they feel the same way?
    My personal beliefs are that if a person has tried so many times and ways to make a change, no matter what it may be, they are at the end of their rope, mentally, spiritually, physically, and they have a large amount to lose, it is their body, mine=d that will have to live the lifestyle that comes with any bariatric surgery.

    Now, if the person had tried no other way, lied to teh docs, then I have no patience with them and would not even discuss it.

    If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten.

    Only jealous, unhappy people would be crass enough to make any remark!

    2865 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12496285
    Rach I feel for ya on this topic. My take on the negative reaction to or opinion of my course to victory is simple. Very few people (even family members) know the whole story, and unless you've lived a day with my old body and brain you'd understand how my Vertical Sleeve Surgery saved my life (and yours). My opinion on opinions is that they are like arse-holes, we all got em, they usually stink, and I really don't want anyone to poke their rear end in my face.

    Not one member of my family, my roommate or my friends know me as completely and deeply as my SparkFriends do. Celebrate when you want, how you want, with the people you want...the rest is ancient history.

    Hope all is well and look forward to hearing from you soon. All the best -

    Your friend, "Sprink"
    2865 days ago
    YOU are so beautiful you keep on slimming girl!
    2897 days ago
    I admit, I get a little jealous when I see someone do well... but it's not jealousy in the sense that I want you to fail because I have failed. It is a jealousy that is pretty constructive and makes me want to do and be better.

    You have earned every right to be proud of what you have accomplished whether it was earned the "normal" way or through surgery. You still went through something to get it.

    And the whole 18k thing? Who cares!? Your kids are fed... they have clothes on their backs. It is your responsibility to love them, to take care of them, to be the best mom YOU can be. What you did wasn't out of vanity, it was a desperate plea to live your life with your family - the way you deserve to.

    Enjoy your success... and if you want to rub someone's nose in it - feel free to message me. I won't be offended! You should be able to shout it from the roof tops.
    3009 days ago
    Stand proud, Rach! You have done awesome and deserve to enjoy the things in life that eluded you in the past. You are an inspiration! emoticon

    3012 days ago
    I showed Shelly my post and she wanted to comment so she did on my account :) But its me Rach now :)
    Fififrizel - emoticon
    You are doing so well loosing 18kg. I do not know the answer to your question. I do know it would be so much easier if we just didnt care, but then that would alter us and we cant have that either. Thankyou so much for your encouragement :)
    Dondain - thanks I will take that hug :)
    PattyR81 - Its such a shame that my story is a reality for so many people. I think you are very wise to just walk away. I must admit there is a part of me that really wants to put these people in their place!
    Setagoal1 - Thankyou for the reminder. I will keep pushing towards my goal that is so very close now.
    Hink2013 - You are doing the right thing and this is the right place for support. I didnt tell many people b4 surgery and they couldnt say much after the fact. I did withdraw from most people tho. I had spent my whole life putting others first - for one year, its all about me. Thanks for reminding me of that.
    3015 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13422983
    Very Well Said - I too can very much relate to this, it is my life story too.... standing on the sidelines, trying to hide while everyone else is living life and doing what they want while I am off in the shadows watching.... I haven't even gotten to the other side of surgery and I am dealing with the people who don't agree with my decision to do this.... it is so hard, but I still feel like I am making the right choice for me and I will just persevere and work toward my goals....

    Keep your head up!!
    3015 days ago

    3015 days ago
  • PATTYR81
    Rach, you said my life story so well!!!!

    It seems to me that the jealousy issues and the easy vs. not easy ways to lose weight are like those politics, religion, working mom's / stay at home mom's debates. The topics are so emotionally packed that people often can't see beyond their own emotions to understand, empathasize and - gasp!- cheer on those who are successful on the paths they choose.

    For self-preservation and my sanity, I choose to avoid these people whenever possible. And when I can't avoid them and they start in, I just don't engage in any kind of debate, discussion, remark or even acknowledgement, If I can't successfully change the topic, then it's "Oh my! Just look at the time! I've got to run....!" And I leave.

    Very Well Said Rach!!

    3015 days ago
    Hey there. I have just lost 18 kilos on the Cura Romana. One of my BFFs has been very cool about my weight losses. She is gaining weight at the moment, but there is no way she will ever be as fat as I still am. But she is jealous that I have dropped this weight so easily. In her belief system fat people have character defects and should suffer for their greed. She is a person of little understanding and empathy. And she wants me to struggle. And fail. Because if I keep going, I will be as, or more attractive than her. WhenI told her I was having weightloss success her response was that I would have a problem with extra skin. Nice, eh?
    Tell me, Rach, why should I give a fig for what she thinks?
    It's hard being fat and you have dealt to that issue. Whoever thinks that having the surgery is easy needs their head read!
    If it had been available for free, ie taxpayer funded, don't imagine for a second that the operation would be more acceptable to the negative people around you.
    Do not give these people one more second of your attention. Celebrate your achievement wherever you like. You have saved your health and extended your life with this successful operation. Should you have bought a new car instead?
    Enjoy your new self.
    3015 days ago
    Hi my name is Shelly, I have known Rachael for many years, as such I have seen the struggles the deflation after trying some new diet that had come onto the market, the highs and lows basically. I have to be honest and say that each time I see her, I am so amazed at how much weight she has lost, and knowing that this sacrifice she and her family have gone thru to get to this stage is nothing short but a Blessing from God. There is a heriditary gene on both sides of Rachael's family which tends to render the relations incapacitated by strokes, heart attacks, and the on going health system paying for the life of the one person. Good on you Rachael, you are an inspiration to all in sudray a kind hearted person who is more than willing to help where ever and whomever you need any information on the road she and her family have and are travelling down right now.

    3015 days ago
    3015 days ago
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