The New Beginning
Friday, September 20, 2013
I have hid so much of myself from everyone that I, now, don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to be. I am so lost and no one seems to understand or care to understand me. I know I’m supposed to “just be myself”, but what does that mean when you don’t know who you are. As a toddler I was told I had to be Mommy’s perfect little angel. Growing up I was the “good” child being compared to my unruly siblings. I married young and tried to be the best wife and then best mother I could be. At work I held a very unpopular position in a small firm, but tried to be the ideal employee just the same. What has all of this gotten me? An unfaithful husband, ungrateful teenager children, and no job. My husband has since tried to regain my trust, working the Love Dare process and has been doing well, but his broken vows have shattered me. I lost my job due to “restructuring of the company”, but went through the difficult process of management trying to force me to quit. Just being a mother of teenagers will leave you feeling unappreciated all by itself. All of this has left me feeling very rejected, lonely, angry, and vulnerable. I have gained 10 pounds in the last 2 months. My clothes are tight and I am bloated. I know I need to eat right, exercise and journal, but I really just want to crawl in bed, eat chocolate and cry. I want to be that strong person everyone thinks I am, but I don’t think I have that in me anymore. I thought at this age, I would have a firm grasp on life and what it means to me. I sit here not knowing any more than I did as a child.
I know that today is just a bad day and tomorrow I’ll feel better and foolish for even writing this down, let alone posting this online. I guess I’m thinking the first step to discovery is the truth.