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The New Beginning

Friday, September 20, 2013

I have hid so much of myself from everyone that I, now, don’t know who I am or what I am supposed to be. I am so lost and no one seems to understand or care to understand me. I know I’m supposed to “just be myself”, but what does that mean when you don’t know who you are. As a toddler I was told I had to be Mommy’s perfect little angel. Growing up I was the “good” child being compared to my unruly siblings. I married young and tried to be the best wife and then best mother I could be. At work I held a very unpopular position in a small firm, but tried to be the ideal employee just the same. What has all of this gotten me? An unfaithful husband, ungrateful teenager children, and no job. My husband has since tried to regain my trust, working the Love Dare process and has been doing well, but his broken vows have shattered me. I lost my job due to “restructuring of the company”, but went through the difficult process of management trying to force me to quit. Just being a mother of teenagers will leave you feeling unappreciated all by itself. All of this has left me feeling very rejected, lonely, angry, and vulnerable. I have gained 10 pounds in the last 2 months. My clothes are tight and I am bloated. I know I need to eat right, exercise and journal, but I really just want to crawl in bed, eat chocolate and cry. I want to be that strong person everyone thinks I am, but I don’t think I have that in me anymore. I thought at this age, I would have a firm grasp on life and what it means to me. I sit here not knowing any more than I did as a child.

I know that today is just a bad day and tomorrow I’ll feel better and foolish for even writing this down, let alone posting this online. I guess I’m thinking the first step to discovery is the truth.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a heartfelt and beautifully honest blog entry. ❤I wonder if you're in a different place now, since this was written so long ago?
    1194 days ago
    Oh, Tina! This is sad, but things will look better tomorrow, I promise you. I have 3 daughters, the youngest is almost 16. I've been through so much with my other 2, but I'm still holding it together. My husband, though not unfaithful, is an emotional abuser. He also hasn't held a job in 15 months, but continues to spend freely. My job isn't fun, but I go there every day and try to do my best. But I, like you, have days when I'd rather just pull the covers over my head and forget it! I don't have any friends so I never get to do fun stuff like go to a movie or share a meal with anyone other than my family. I've made it my personal mission to take care of myself and try to be healthy. In other words, I am my own project! As dismal as things may seem, try going out for a short walk and for that brief time, forget anything else but what you see right in front of you. Think of things that are positives and know that no matter how bad things seem, there's always someone who has worse things to deal with. I'll pray for you that things will turn around. Overcome this and show others you're the boss!
    2864 days ago
  • no profile photo CD14250543
    I can really relate to your blog, I have all those feelings too. I wish I had the words to help you feel better, just know that you're not alone. emoticon I like what Vic said. He's right. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2864 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/20/2013 7:02:03 PM
    Thank you!
    2864 days ago
  • MJRVIC2000
    Believe it or not....You have the power within YOU to change all that into something good and positive. God Bless YOU! Vic.
    2864 days ago
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