Grey is the New Black
Friday, February 07, 2014
I was watching an episode of a weight loss show a few weeks ago while I get ready, like I always do, and one contestant really got me thinking. He said something about the best part about finally truly loving yourself is that you can truly and fully love others.
This got me thinking about myself, of course, because before my weight-loss journey, I thought I was pretty great, but it was always a all-or-nothing kind of a thing. Being the oldest sibling and the daughter of an alcoholic, I always had this mentality that if I’m perfect at everything, or at least show others I try to be perfect, then I’m worthy of my own love for myself and everyone else’s.
That kind of black-or-white thinking and laser focus has helped me during my undergrad degree, during my job as a teacher, and in my personal life running four half marathons and a full marathon while obese. It also translated to steady success in the beginning stages of my weight loss, which worked out great for me, because once I focus on something, it would take a freight train to derail me. However, it had always been an “on” day or an “off” meal. When I was obese, I definitely had the "well, I blew it, so I might as well eat whatever I want for the rest of the day/week/month." Very black-or-white thinking.
Now that I’m closer to what I hope is maintenance, I’m struggling with deciding if I want to try and lose more, or stay here and enjoy life on a “grey” scale. I can enjoy the cookie at lunch without turning it into an “off’ meal. Maybe I can have two bites of the appetizer at the bar AND enjoy a true “off’ meal once a week without gaining. We’ll see. All I know, is after 35 years, I’m FINALLY starting to see that “grey is ok.” I’m hoping that will translate to my job, relationships, and personal self-esteem so I can be more patient with everyone’s journeys, including my own. I have to keep remembering that any positive choice that is healthier than Old Amber would choose is a win, even when it seems like I should be able to be "perfect" after being at this for two years.
I'm experiencing a ton of stress right now in my personal life, and I'm trying to stay conscious of just feeling my feelings instead of drowning them in tator tots and raspberry beer at my favorite bar. I'm posting this blog today because I think the next few days are going to be very challenging for me, and it would be so easy to fall back into eating too much and at least enjoying rich food when my heart is hurting so much. Maybe if I put this out to sp I can keep my thoughts healthy and my food choices nourishing.