Summer swimsuit season success!!
Monday, July 28, 2014
I realized this blog might only apply for women, but swimsuit season has always been a HUGE anxiety in my life, even in elementary school. I dreading shopping for suits, wearing suits, and moving in suits, so any activity that required a suit meant I didn't enjoy myself at all because I was so self-conscious about my tummy, cellulite, arms, and chest. The fairly recent trend of building suits out of separates saved me, because I was always a "medium" on top and an "XL" on the bottom, so I could manage to find a tankini top with a skirt bottom and I enjoyed myself much more, but still over-aware of my body so that I couldn't enjoy the actual event as much.
Now that I've lost weight and accepted that my body is much healthier inside and out, swimsuit shopping has been more enjoyable, (I've never going to say that it is fun, I mean, let's be real here!) and way less traumatic. I now have three suits-a full one-piece utilitarian black for "real swimming," a cute two-piece with a black bra top and skirt, and a pink two-piece with a tankini and a short skirt.
In the last two weeks, I realized I've worn all three without giving it a second thought! I wore the pink one all day on a river float and didn't worry when people took pictures. I wore the bra top sitting on the beach with my buddy and didn't feel self conscious walking on the beach or into the water (even though my tummy was completely exposed), and I went for an all-day hike yesterday and slid down an all-natural water slide, in public, many times, and I didn't give it a second thought when I hiked in the black one-piece, cellulite and all. My friend took a video of me sliding down the slide, and I didn't wince, groan, or sigh! I have a visual record of one of the most fun experiences I've ever done, and I didn't even think about my body, just the feeling of the slide and the splash at the bottom in the cold water.
I know this blog seems terribly superficial because swimsuit season is usually about appearance, but I promise, this last week is actually a quiet, huge, roaring success. When I look back, I realize that even though I've kept 50 lbs off for over two years and 65 lbs off for a year and a half, my mental concept has truly, finally, and deeply internalized my actual body sense and size and how I can move through the world. The fact that I hiked, swam, and moved in swimsuits without thinking about it is truly amazing. I still have cellulite, a big tummy, and chest issues, but It has been worth every tear, struggle, temper tantrum, exhaustion, ordering "off menu" and "inconveniencing" others, recipe research, weight lifting blog, picture, weigh-in, failure, success, and continued struggle. I will fight this fight for the rest of my life, every day, sometimes, every minute, but if I can truly celebrate the successes along the way and learn from the failures, I will ultimately live longer and live better because I can DO more things.