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Wednesday, October 21, 2015

I am so scared and sad and have been fluctuating between despair, anger and sadness - we are separating - my husband signed a lease for an apartment (he was going to sign one for 20 months but only did so for 8 months) and will be moving out soon. He says he wants to see if we are better apart than together and all I can think is I'm being rejected and he doesn't care. I am in shock and can't believe this is happening to me. It is one of the worst things in my entire life coming almost exactly a year after my mom went into the hospital never to come out again.

I must be strong for myself and my kids, but it's so hard and I don't understand how something that started so beautiful has ended up like this. I am so worried that my health is going to suffer - I have barely slept in days and am not functioning very well. I am trying to make sure I get exercise and sunshine when I can and trying to eat well, but sometimes I can barely make it .

I did go to a separation/divorce support group tonight and while I think it is important for me to get support, it almost felt worse. I think I have been in denial and feel like I'm going through a grieving process.

I am in two challenges and I will try to keep up with them but I don't know if I will be able to.

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  • no profile photo INCH_BY_INCH
    1928 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13351097
    I know what a painful place you are in right now. I was in the same position 10 years ago. It is grief you are experiencing and it fells like a ball of concrete in your gut.
    Keep communicating with your husband and be as honest as possible.
    You really will be all right eventually even though I know you cant see that at the moment. Concentrate on what you really want for yourself . See a good experienced counsellor to help you get through this very painful time. Good luck.

    2014 days ago
    Just went back and found this blog so I'd understand better your comment today that showed up on my friend feed. Yes, you are grieving and you still are. New takes time, and different with the boys will take time. Do good things for YOU on the weekends you don't have your boys and remember that this is a transition for ALL of you, including your husband. Learn who YOU are separate from him.................find the YOU you need to be. He's trying to do the same and perhaps you will find some things about YOU that you didn't know were there...........good things you buried to be the "good wife, good mom, good ..........." whatever. Find YOU in this painful process.

    And we'll all be here.
    2032 days ago
    I have no idea what went wrong. It seemed you had his support during your mom's illness and subsequent death and the next thing I knew I read you were having marital problems. First, I want to assure you that you are a whole person, a wonderful, loving person, even without a man. I'm reading your blogs in reverse order, so I know you are OK. Not great, but OK. Hang onto your strength and remember you are complete and wonderful! You are!! Wishing you the best!
    2050 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12068097
    Air hug coming your way. Wish I could magically wave away your pain.
    2052 days ago
    2053 days ago
    Oh poor yu!!!!--How are things going??--Is it any better?----I dunno what to say----Sometimes life just sucks!---- Will yu be OK?---- Will yu keep a roof over yer head?--- Will yu be able to support yourself and yer children?---I just want to hug yu----Lynda emoticon
    2054 days ago
    I am sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself, and remember that you are not alone. One day at a time motto helped me when I was separated.
    emoticon emoticon
    2054 days ago
    Such a difficult time. I hope you remain strong and have the support you need. There are the type of life events that can cause us to be self destructive and slip back into old habits. I know after the loss of my mother and grandmother, it took me six to eight months to get back to taking care of myself. Hugs and positive thoughts going your way.
    2054 days ago
    I have read your blog and I can feel how scared and unsure you are about things. My husband left me and our 5 children in 1993 (after 23 years of marriage) and I was devastated! I had never lived alone in my entire 43 years on this earth and now I was left not only alone but responsible for 5 children between the ages of 11 and 19. I also went to a support group and it helped for awhile. I remember telling myself "if I can just get through this ONE day". Every day I felt sad and hopeless. Every day was a challenge - until one day I got to the end of the day and thought "this wasn't a horrible day". And pretty soon I found I had two of those days in a row.

    I am now 65 years old. I have remarried and my children are all grown into very special adults. I have 3 beautiful grandchildren and 2 step-grandchildren. In the spirit of making life more sane for our children, my ex-husband joins us often for family events like birthdays and some holidays. He and my current husband get along well.

    Everyone's experience is different and we all have to approach things in a way that makes sense to us. In 1993 I thought my life was over - in 2015 I am excited for what's coming next.

    My thoughts and prayers will be there for you to help ease this transition time

    2055 days ago
  • WALNUTT1961
    Thinking of you and praying for you. You will get through this. You are a strong woman and a great mom! Just take it a day at a time. emoticon
    2056 days ago
  • CDCSMITH2013
    Little steps. First, just keep breathing. Eat. Stay hydrated. Give yourself a chance to grieve.
    2056 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8248021
    One day at a time love, however this goes you will survive because you are blessed with strength, a beautiful heart and friends that will talk you through the dark moments. You are not alone. And this may be a hard time for you but make your relationship even better or it may be the space you both need to see it isn't working well for either of you. Do not shut off those avenues of help, if one doesn't succeed try another. Or find a friend that has not got a vested interest in an outcome either way and then lean on them - you seem to be the one others would usually lean on, so now it is your turn x
    2056 days ago
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is very difficult, but you cannot change him or his decision -- he is the only one who can make a change in his behavior
    2056 days ago
  • SKELLEY3440
    First off, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this trial in life. I know it feels like you just can't go on, but I've been with you for a long time and you are a VERY strong woman. You can do this and I know it!!

    Second, I'm a VERY firm believer that God does not give us anything that we can not handle so He obviously KNOWS you can get through this. You are grieving. That's totally normal. You're grieving the loss of your beautiful relationship and how great it has been as well as how great you thought it was going to be in the future. I'm sure you didn't marry this man planning on getting separated from him. You had dreams for your future together and right now its not looking like you are going to get what you wanted in that aspect so you are grieving the loss of not getting what you want. Completely normal!!

    I think it's WONDERFUL that you are going to a support group. I know it may seem hard and like it's making it worse, but it could actually help you get to the grief aspect and not live in the blissful world of denial. I know the world of denial is a VERY nice place. I lived there myself for a while when my father died and I know you did when your mom passed away. I'm sure you have since figured out though that even though denial is beautiful, the real world is where we live and you CAN live through this. You thought you couldn't live through losing your mother and here you are almost a year later. I felt the same way and I'm 2 yrs past. You can sit here now and say things aren't perfect because your mother isn't here with you, BUT they aren't as bad as they were originally are they? Time does heal wounds and you CAN get through this no matter what the final outcome. I have faith in you and know are a very strong woman!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2056 days ago
    Your pain is so fresh and raw right now and even tho you may have felt worse after that support group, give it a couple of more tries. As cliche as it sounds, just get thru one day at a time right now, sometimes doing one hour at a time. You can get thru this and yes, you will go thru the stages of "death & dying" because you are suffering a loss. Hugs and sending strength to you as best as I can.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2056 days ago
    Praying that you can get through this difficult time. HUGS!
    2056 days ago
  • DAVIS_6311
    Fight like hell, give it your all! If you want your marriage to work then do everything possible to make it happen. At least if it still doesn't end, you can say you did everything possible. You two need to both find that spark again that joined you two together in the first place. Good luck hun, I'm praying for you both.
    2057 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15324855
    Oh hon, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this experience. It is absolutely ok, and even necessary, to grieve. And it's ok for your children to see you grieve because they probably are, or will be, as well.

    My parents divorced when I was twelve and I wish it was something that we'd talked about and dealt with more. I wish they HADN'T felt the need to be so "strong" because it made me feel like I couldn't be upset. By sharing your sadness with your children, by working through your grief, you will be showing them a healthy way to deal with their own feelings and letting them know that it is ok to feel those emotions.

    My thoughts are with you and your family during this time. emoticon emoticon
    2057 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15196991
    emoticon emoticon You will get through this, God will give you the strength you need, and your children-the motivation.
    2057 days ago
  • APED7969
    I'm 3 months separated from my husband. It's hard but it is getting easier. Initially I thought we might get back together, now I'm realising that I can function just fine by myself. In fact being by myself is a lot easier in lots of ways. We are always stronger than we give ourselves credit for. I know it is different for me as I don't have kids but focus on treating yourself well. You will grieve and that's okay but don't blame yourself. Marriage requires two people, and sometimes it just doesn't work but that doesn't make it anyone's fault. emoticon
    2058 days ago
  • HOLLYM48
    I am so sorry to read this and praying for you and your family that everything will work out as it should. These are very tough times for you but realize that it isn't your fault. It takes 2 to make a marriage work.
    Hugs to you. emoticon
    2058 days ago
    Oh my... so very sad. I wish you weren't going through so much pain and heart ache. I have offered prayers for healing and reconciliation for you and your family.

    2059 days ago
  • JANET552
    emoticon You are grieving and it is something you need to allow yourself to do. I like the suggestion someone gave above to see a grief counselor. Please do take care of yourself. Vent here if you need to.
    2060 days ago
  • ALEXMAX2015
    emoticon I have been where you are, you need to grieve. It is messy and painful, but you will emerge the other side. Initially you will survive, then you will grow stronger, life will become easier until the pain is a distant memory. Love and Hugs x
    2060 days ago
    So sorry. I can relate, hubby and I have been on the rocks lately. Hubby even told me the other day he wanted a divorce :( :(

    I have been preparing myself slowly just in case he decides to go through with it.

    You never know, he might just be confused and not realize what he's doing. Sometimes men just need to realize what they have. Whatever happens, be strong. We are all here for you on spark and will give support if needed.
    2061 days ago
    emoticon I have been through a divorce - it is not easy but you do survive.
    2061 days ago
  • MISSY455
    2062 days ago
    emoticon I am so sorry you are going through this. You have received a lot of good advice here. Know that you have people who care
    2062 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through that! emoticon
    2062 days ago
    2062 days ago
    emoticon emoticon Prayers for comfort. Take care of you.
    2062 days ago
    Oh Jenny, I am so sorry to hear that things have come to this. I wish you strength and courage as you navigate the rough seas of the next few months. Peace be with you. I am so sad for you and your boys and will keep you all in my prayers.
    2062 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4212235
    You are in my heart and prayers.

    emoticon emoticon
    2062 days ago
    emoticon Praying for you. Stay strong. emoticon
    2062 days ago
  • LINDA!
    I can only imagine how much pain you are in. I am happy that you are going to a support group. The people will understand what you are going though. Please do not think that the fact that he left is about you. It is about him. Please just remember to put one foot front in front ot the other. Look forward to beginning a new chapter in you life. It will happen, in time. Do what you must do to feel good about yourself. emoticon
    2062 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/22/2015 4:57:24 PM
    I am so sorry. Just remember that it is not your fault. We always blame ourselves when someone leaves us. We think we didn't do something right It is usually not anything you did but just a situation that didn't work. But you can do this. Get support from friends and family. Have someone you can talk to that you trust. Take it one day at a time and know that you are a special person, no matter what anyone else thinks. Keep knowing that you have to be strong for your kids but also for yourself. Hugs. Pam
    2062 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are going through this. You have been given some excellent advice. You are very wise to go to a Support Group. Though it is difficult, this is a time when you have to think about yourself and do whatever you can to stay healthy and rested. The resting part will come in time. Do whatever you can to keep your self-esteem as high as possible. I am sure that you have a lot to offer and you need to be mindful of this.
    I wish you the emoticon
    2062 days ago
    It is a grieving process, even if you end up back together. However, you may need to do a few things to remind yourself that all is not lost. First, I'd ask him what a regular meeting-up schedule might look like. And/or therapy together? Second, I'd also remind myself that it's not over until it's over and start trying to decide what I want, being totally honest with myself. It's hard to get past the hurt and think clearly, and you're totally right that exercise can help with that. And if he's going to be thinking for 8 months, you know you will be, too, so best to make it good quality thinking. Spending more time thinking instead of spinning in an emotional state will be better for you.

    I hope everything works out well for you, and the two of you can find a way that works for you both.
    2062 days ago
    I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know it is a loss and that you're grieving and probably in shock, too. I wish I had the right words to comfort you. My sister's husband left her with their three small children (all under the age of 12) many years ago. It was very, very hard, but she made it through and you will, too. You're stronger than you know. You have my sympathy and best wishes for the very best to come out of this situation.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2062 days ago
    I'm sorry you're going through this. All I can say is that I've been through it and it does get better with time. emoticon
    2062 days ago
  • LINDAK25
    Believe in yourself.
    2062 days ago
    Support is absolutely critical for you to pull through these challenging times and not only survive, but THRIVE!

    Which brings us to the next and equally important focus: taking gentle, but firm care of yourself.

    Remember the Serenity Prayer! You have no control over your husband, but you have UBER control over the choices you make for yourself.

    What activities help you to feel good, as though you are running on all cylinders?

    Do more of that!

    Sometimes there isn't ANYTHING as cathartic and cleansing as some vigorous physical activity into which you can channel all your emotions, all your heartache, all your fears...just blast 'em away with a physical activity that works for you.

    What people do you find yourself feeling better to be around?

    Be with those people!

    Take inventory of yourself: what are all the wonderful qualities you possess? What super accomplishments have you made? Make a brag list! If you can't think of many things now because your life has been upended, talk to people you trust, whose opinions you value and get ideas for your brag list from them, even if you disagree with them...add 'em to the list. Keep the list conspicuous, maybe multiple copies, one for the fridge, one for the car, wherever.

    Know that we are your biggest fans and we are rooting for you 24/7!

    2062 days ago
    2062 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13423552
    I'm so sorry you are going through this and like losing your Mom, this is another loss. So yes, you are grieving. But,, in order to look out for your kids, you must take care of yourself. Please continue to take care of yourself so that you are there for your kids. Go to the support group if it helps, get out for a walk or a run to clear your head. Marriage is a two-way proposition - one person cannot make it work. You think when bad things happen, you pull together and get through it, sadly that is not how it happens. Just reading the article about Andrew Shue and his wife Amy Robach. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, their marriage really almost fell apart. They were very open about it and they did go to couples and individual counseling and are stronger for it. I wish you the best and hang in there! You will get through this, one way or another.
    2062 days ago
    I hope that you and your husband will seek counseling. You both obviously have some problems that are not being addressed and resolved and they need to be as soon as possible. emoticon
    2062 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/22/2015 10:59:06 AM
    You are going through a grieving process. But it is not the end of the world. I don't know what your husband's reasons are, but I can tell you when one door closes another one opens. I was devastated when my first husband and I divorced. But I found love again and it is nothing like my previous marriage. This man that is in my life now, supports me in everything I do. Sometimes I just look at him and wonder what did I do to have this man in my life. Trust me when I say. It will be alright. Don't let your husband keep you hanging on. If he wants to live separately, than make sure that is what you are doing. No overnight visits between you and him. None of this dating stuff. If you let him have you while you are living apart, it will become the norm. Keep enjoying your life, taking care of you, and your kids. You may find out that you are happier without him emoticon
    2062 days ago
    Hugs. Wishing you all the best. I'm sure it is so difficult, but hang tough.
    2062 days ago
    I'm sorry for you and your family. Here's to you discovering coping skills that will work for you.
    2062 days ago
    You ARE suffering from grief, and I would personally suggest individual grief counseling. Group sessions simply aren't for everyone. Do take care of yourself, though, and try to get a short walk in daily. Those walks can be so stress-relieving.
    2062 days ago
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