Hey Dolls!! :D :D :D :D
I hope I am finding you all well & striving!! I hope you are all moving forward & getting closer to your own goals. I hope you are enjoying this most beautiful, magical time of year & savoring every second of it!
So much has happened since the last time I blogged. Actually, within a few days of my last blog in June, my life was turned completely upside down when I received some truly devastating & completely life changing news about one of my brothers. While I can still not bring myself to discuss what happened, I find that I need to open myself up more & allow myself & the wounds that it caused me to heal. To say that receiving this news has been hard to deal with would be an understatement. I've tried my hardest to move forward from it but I've spent every day from then & up until now steadily losing & gaining back the same 20-25lbs of unwanted & certainly not needed weight. I've spent from that day until now battling a vicious cycle of gaining & losing that same number of pounds over & over & over, of finding my strength to move on only to go right back to the addiction that got me to my highest weight ever & brought to this site in the first place. I thought I had overcome my addiction with using food to cope with emotions but I have come to the realization that this addiction will always live inside of me but that it is up to me & only me to want to live healthy & happy more than I want to feed my addiction to food. Bad things, big things, devastating things will always have a way of showing up unwelcomed & I've come to terms with the fact that I need to learn to deal with my habit of turning to food now if I ever want this cycle to truly end. If I wasn't so focused on my exercise & keeping my streak alive, I'd hate to see how much more weight I could of possibly racked up.
I am thankful for that fact that SP has reignited my flame to exercise & remain active but I now realize that you can never out-exercise poor eating. I refuse to die a binge eater, an emotional eater or with a sense of never fulfilling my dream of optimum health & happiness all because of my addiction to food & my unhealthy relationship with it. Instead, I vow to battle my whole life to choose health over temptation because I am worth it. I refuse to stuff my face to cover up emotion because that is no way to deal & I can't live like that any longer. I can't change what has happened but I can refuse to let it change me. I can choose to not let it interfere with my own goals. I can choose to rise above pain & be victorious. I can choose to wear my battle wounds proudly & keep striving for greatness despite my downfalls.
Tomorrow is my 28th Birthday. My 28th year of life. Tomorrow will mark 10 years since I was a Senior in high school & completely happy with my weight & how my body looked. Tomorrow marks the first day of a year that will forever change my life because tomorrow I will began a journey to lose the last 80.2lbs of weight I started on this site to lose & reach my goal weight. Tomorrow marks a new beginning. Tomorrow marks the first day of a year long journey back to better health, back to fit, back to me.
If all goes right & as planned my 29th year of life on December 10th of 2016 will mark the first day of the rest of my life that I will spend maintaining the weight that I hope to die at. I am done going back. I am done gaining & losing & gaining & losing & dealing with that whole crazy, messed up cycle. I am done working so hard only to let food bring me back down. I done sweating my butt off working out only to turn around & binge on cookies til I'm sick. I am DONE!!
I know this blog is different from my usual happy, go lucky demeanor but I needed to write this blog for me. I needed to compose this blog to both hold myself accountable for my addiction & to make what I am promising myself public to keep me true to my goals & focused on what I need to do to achieve them! I needed to get it down on paper to make it real, to make it known, to make it. Period. I needed to write this blog because I need all of your support, your friendship & your accountability at this time. I admire so many of you so much more than you know. I admire your strength. I admire your courage. I admire the beauty you add to this world simply by existing.I admire your journey & how it will forever be intertwined with mine through this amazing site that has brought us together & helped me to forge so many friendships that I probably would have never known outside of this virtual sanctuary! I am so grateful for each & everyone of you & all of the undeniable beauty you've added to my life.
This will be a hard year for me & I know that there will be highs & there will be lows but with the support of you all, I will overcome & get through every single obstacle that comes my way! Food addiction is truly hard to deal with but I vow to work even harder to overcome it because I am worth the time, the effort & the sacrifices it requires to reach the level of optimum health & happiness that I desire & because of this, I vow to not waste another day letting things that I am fully capable of controlling hold me back any longer.
Stay Fabulous, Stay Focused, Change IS Coming,