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Hitting bottom and starting over

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

Long time no blog my Sparkie friends. It seems like there used to be a lot more blogs to read on Spark every day and I miss that. But then I haven't done my part to remedy that in any way, so who am I to complain? I don't exactly know what it is about blogs, reading them and writing them, but it is a very helpful tool on this journey to health. And my lack of them might partly explain where I am currently.

So where am I at right now? I have officially hit bottom folks. It's ugly, really ugly as a matter of fact. I successfully lost about 7 pounds in December with the goal that I would have some cushion heading into the week of Christmas so I didn't have to stress over every bite, and I wouldn't risk hitting a new all-time high weight. It all worked great, until I failed to throw out the lingering after Christmas leftovers that quickly turned themselves into evil little carb temptations... and I failed miserably at resisting them. Long story short, even though I did okay through Christmas, I had totally blown it by New Years. And now, a month later, I am bumping up against 236.5. I have blown past my previous all-time high of 229... AND I AM MISERABLE!!! None of my clothes fit very well (including my "bigger" clothes that were always a little too big) and I feel so out of shape and out of energy and just plain sickly. I am tall so you might not completely guess my real weight, but I am now the same weight as some of the Biggest Loser competitors when they start. How sad is that? Yeah, I am pretty down on myself. I feel self conscience everywhere. I have to force myself to walk outside because I feel so huge. For the first time in my life, I honestly feel like I am starting to feel restricted by my weight gain. And this past week especially, it was like my weight was out to get me. Every single day, except one, the scale went up. Maybe that was because I ended up eating out several times last week and didn't track as a result? I don't know. My stomach was pretty upset for part of the week too.

And as I have been watching the scale slide ever higher this week, I have started to think about where I am really at. I have put on about 37 pounds since I started my current job. I am now 76 pounds over my goal weight. I am also 91 pounds higher than my lowest weight in high school. I don't think I have ever really taken a serious look at these numbers before.... and it scares me! I don't want this to continue in any way. My current state has got to be so bad for my health! No wonder I feel sickly and tired.

So there you have it. The truth. The ugly truth of where I am right now. I am tempted to get even more depressed than I already have been, but I know that will only make things worse. So I am rallying my deepest determination and starting over. Today. This week. It's time to take control and stop doing this to myself. It's time to take action. And I know it is going to have to be a very serious plan because this whole time I have been working out some and trying to eat healthy. Not focused of course, but I haven't been idle either. And maybe that makes it even harder for me. My boss’s wife lost a bunch of weight by just adding Zumba to her schedule twice a week. Just twice a week. No real changes in eating either. Yep. I am a little bitter when I hear stories like that because I work out at least that much and here I am. And I really don't eat that much food. Over what I should, most definitely yes, but not like the people who eat a whole bag of chips in one sitting or half a cake. I'm bitter people! I need a better metabolism or something.

But enough of the pity party. It's plan time. It's action time. It's time for Kat to take back her life in so many ways.

In many ways I am still very depressed after last summer. I just can't seem to get past the anger and bitterness that came to a head over the wedding. I need to come up with a solution for that, but I don't know exactly what that is right now, but I do know I don't like the bitter angry person that I am becoming. So I am going to start by very simply coming up with a plan for getting rid of this excess physical weight. Start by taking steps every day to take care of me! And hopefully the rest will come.

So here is my plan. It is similar to plans I have had in the past. I just have to stick with it and not give up on myself.

~Blog weekly - I need the accountability!
~Track food 90% of the time - including weekends
~Focus on a healthy, high protein, high freggie diet
~500 fitness minutes a week with good variety including cardio and ST
~1 mile a day! Run at least one mile per day, every day.
~7000 steps per day. I know it should be 10,000, but 7,000 is still a big improvement for me and it is a first goal.
~Add in some fun fitness activities as able. Things like snowshoeing, hiking, races and even meeting up with friend to go walking so I am not working out alone.
~Happiness journal - 3 things to be grateful for every week

It's time for me to make this happen! I have been sort of at this journey for far too long, while ever increasing my waist line. Sadly, it is really hurting no one but myself and this is not how I want to live for the rest of my life.

Running in the snow!

My super dark chocolate creation for Amanda's 21st birthday

Snuggling with the grandpuppy!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LYNSEY723
    emoticon I get it!! I am in a similar situation myself. All I could think as I read this was that we need to be text buddies. I found that if I knew someone was going to take the time out of their day to text me and ask if I got my run in then I needed to take the time out of MY day to get that run in so I could say I had!!! If you want to do that, shoot me a message with your phone #. (No hard feelings if you don't want to!!!!).

    Just remember how great you feel when you are working out and losing weight. I know you've been down in the dumps since the wedding and that's totally understandable, but it's time to pick yourself up and move forward. Nothing can change what happened. I'm always here if you need to talk!
    1980 days ago
  • no profile photo CD15003511
    I'm sorry to hear you are so unhappy with things. The past is the past though. Just take things day by day. Each day, just vow to focus on one healthy habit...maybe it's getting 5 fruits and veggies in...maybe it's drinking 8 glasses of water...maybe it's going for a 30 min. walk. All of the little changes will add up. I think blogging is a great idea to stay accountable and to get some support and encouragement. I also think writing in a journal or accounting for what you are grateful for is huge too. That will only help. Know that we are all here to root you on and encourage you. You can do this.
    1985 days ago
    Right there with you. It's so frustrating and I'm back on Spark looking for some support!
    1988 days ago
    I'm glad to see you taking the steps that you need to take. It's a tough admission that you've made, and blogging is a great step to take.
    You can do this.
    1990 days ago
    emoticon My comment would be a blog post. So, I'm going to send you a Sparkmail message.
    1992 days ago
    You've got this!!! Just keep going in the right direction.
    1993 days ago

    I LOVE your happiness journal. What a wonderful idea & way to stay positive.
    I am impressed by your fitness goals! 500minutes a week! However, I recall you putting up big numbers previously, so it is doable. I just started zumba, I go once a week, & there is a lady that has been doing it 3-5days a week with healthy eating that has lost 120 pounds over the course of a year. That is tremendous! I know I was showing more progress when I was actually working out less, but doing crossfit bootcamps 2-3days a week. Maybe is has something to do with the types of movements?

    Idk, but anyway I'll be here cheering you on!
    1993 days ago
    This is almost identical to a blog I was going to post. I keep saying to myself 'enough already', and then not doing anything. Or maybe having a spurt of activity, then a slump. Enough. It's late here now, so a new start tomorrow. I will check in! X
    1993 days ago
  • ADF1981
    You have great goals and it sounds like you are in the right place to make some changes! I believe in blogging. It really has helped me so much with feeling motivated and I have gotten so much great support from you! I think tracking is so important too.

    I totally get where you are coming from with people being able to lose weight without making significant changes. They are either blessed with a great metabolism or not giving out their secrets LOL. You can do this!

    1993 days ago
    You can do it! Keep pushing!
    1993 days ago
    Here with ya chica!! You can do it!!
    1993 days ago
    OH WOW. I could have written this blog, my friend. Our health journeys seem so parallel right now! We even weigh the same (although I'm average height, not tall). I hope for both our sake's that we are able to pull ourselves up and get ourselves headed in the right direction. I will be here to cheer you on!
    1993 days ago
    Happy to see you back :) You have the right attitude, kick it in the shorts! You got this!
    1993 days ago
    I'm happy to see you blogging again and reaching out in that way. I think you are definitely right, blogging has gone down a lot since I came back and it IS tied to success somehow.
    Also, speaking of my being back, I was in so much the same position as you that I went so far as to MAKE A NEW ACCOUNT, after 5 years on my old one! whoa, extreme! I needed help to make it feel like a new start, obviously.

    I love your goals to blog more, track more, and the 7k steps.
    My philosophy is that I'm giving myself forgiveness and undrestanding as I start over, as opposed to how I used to do it. I used to have to start being perfect ALL THE TIME, add fitness ONE MILLION PERCENT.
    This time I'm adding things and building up, and it's working for me. I feel really happy and encouraged by even small accomplishments. :)

    1993 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4516954
    Kat first and foremost I want you to know that I am here for you, you have always been one of my biggest cheerleaders and I plan to be the same for you! I had to hit rock bottom before I got my sh#t together. I thought I had hot rock bottom when I hit the same weight I was at when I was 9 months pregnant but I gained 13 pounds after that. I stayed at that weight for far too long before I was embarrassed to go out, to go shopping.... to have to go up another size. I know how you feel Kat and I will be here WHENEVER you need support!
    1994 days ago
    Welcome back!!! You're gonna ROCK!!!!!!👍🏻
    1994 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1540230
    You can totally do it this time!!
    1994 days ago
    I think your inspiring. We all have our ups and downs and it's brave of you to share yours. I've been there as well, but doing better by one thing at a time, then adding another and another. Every step helps no matter how little it is. I wish u luck
    1994 days ago
  • no profile photo TYESIALADII
    Hi Kat!!! You got this. I am actually in the same boat. I lost weight and then gained. Its hard to get back. Figuring out your fire and posting it where you see it daily will help with your goals as well 😊😊💪💪
    1994 days ago
    You can do it, I found over the 7 years of my ups and downs that it's when I quit tracking I fail.
    1994 days ago
    Great blog! I enjoyed reading it :)
    1994 days ago
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