Of forgiveness, moving on, and loving myself

Monday, July 04, 2016

I will never be perfect. Nobody will ever be perfect.

Yet for most of my life that's what I shot for. Perfection. And, obviously, I could never achieve it. And I hated myself for that.

It took me a long time to put words unto it, to understand what I was doing to myself. I remember having a long conversation with my dad about failures when I was 16 and severely depressed and that's when I started to realize I was a perfectionist.

To quote Nia Shanks (Lift Like A Girl), I am not a recovering perfectionist. I gave up on perfection because I was killing myself trying to reach it. In almost every aspect of my life; at school, then at my different jobs; in my love life; with my family and friends; then with my health, fitness and weight. I was my biggest enemy. I was calling myself a failure daily. No matter what I did, it was never good enough.

Recently I've been a little bit more loose with my good habits. I moved to a new town a month ago and everything changed; I went from living on my own to living with my boyfriend; to seeing him once every other week to seeing him everyday. I started an entirely new job in a field where I know just about nothing (I always worked office jobs in accounting and most recently in a law office; now I'm still at an office job, but at a grain elevator, and it's quite different in every aspect). I moved away from the familiarity of my little Saskatchewan town, where I'd lived for only 16 months, for a bigger place of 11,000 people (instead of 1,200) where I knew absolutely no one excluding my boyfriend and his parents. Even the weather is different - sunnier, drier, windier. The water is different. My apartment is very different. Even my gym is the complete opposite of what I was used to.

Again, and unconsciously, I expected a lot from myself. I expected to hit the gym 3 times a week just like before, and just about right after moving. I expected to keep all of my good habits current and to do even better on them. I expected to be perfectly good at my new job even though I know absolutely nothing about it and wasn't even provided with a job description (I didn't even know my JOB TITLE when I started on my first day). I expected that our new cohabitation would go perfectly fine right from the beginning. I expected to make new friends right away and pick up my social life right where I'd left it in my old town.

None of that happened. I struggled with the work; I struggled with the gym; I struggled with sharing my space after not doing so for almost a year. I struggled with suddenly living in a city again. I struggled with lack of energy and lack of motivation. I struggled with focusing and keeping up.

It would have been so easy to give up and feel like crap for an extra couple months before "going back on the wagon". I don't believe in the wagon. That's why instead of focusing on so much at the same time, I switched my focus on a few things that seemed the most urgent: self-care, rest, and getting settled into my new place.

That meant cutting down on workout times and that's fine. That also meant cutting down on time I dedicated to cooking and groceries. And that's fine. I ate out more than usual, and I took shortcuts. I barely reached 1000 fitness minutes for June, when I usually reach that quite easily. I had more days without working out than any this year. And that's totally fine.

It's been a month and I'm way better. Guess what? Last Friday I skipped the gym. I felt absolutely exhausted and decided to sleep in on my day off, since it was a holiday. Then when I got up, I regretted. Because I was actually looking forward to the gym. But that's totally fine. What is done is done. Lesson learned.

I had a nice weekend at my friend Eva's place back in my old town. Eva is in her 70's and she's really awesome. She's also the only one I kept contact with in my old town. Her son from Regina was also there with his wife and two adorable kids. I rested the whole weekend. We ate fairly fine, but I didn't exercise much. Again, that's okay. My focus last weekend was rest. My time of the month was coming and it hit pretty hard this month, so I needed the extra sleep. I even took a nap on Saturday afternoon, something I just about never do. I read a lot, and I got devoured by mosquitoes. We went to see fireworks on Friday night and that was really cool.

This morning I was back at the gym and I really enjoyed it. It helps my stress a lot. I've been having car problems since Wednesday and car problems always stress me immensely. It's also the first time I have mechanical problems with my car (outside of a couple blown tires, I bought it new in July 2012 so it's only 4 years old) so it's hard on my heart, lol.

So I've learned to forgive myself and move on. I found it's very important. Instead of looking at my body negatively, I learned to appreciate it. My body can do so much - walk, run, bike, lift weights, swim, climb, jump. And things that a lot of people take for granted such as cooking, reading, watching TV... I'm independent, I can live most of my life without help, I'm strong and powerful. This morning I was calling myself a warrior as I was struggling with the last pushup of my set. "Come on warrior. One last pushup." And it felt pretty great.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    1811 days ago
    You had so many changes all at once. Great that you realize this. This is stressful in and of itself.
    Adapting takes time and energy. You are doing that and learning life lessons along the way !
    A survivor.....that's what you are.
    1811 days ago
    I too am a perfectionist so I can relate. I also think that I am responsible for fixing everything... it is my job to make it right. I am completely drained sometimes. I always put myself last. I am trying to work on this but it's hard.
    1812 days ago
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