Thursday, May 03, 2018
I don't want to sleep walk through my life - numbed out and groggy because of constant restricting, counting calories and then blowing it all and grazing to calm down and relax. I've done this for so long it just seems normal, but in my head I know - this isn't normal.
Normal is eating because I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.
Normal is not being afraid to enjoy food.
Normal is not constantly restricting and counting every calorie that goes into my mouth.
Normal is not jumping on the scale every day and letting it determine my mood.
I realized this morning what I'm doing is a way for me to stay safe - to count, to restrict, to think of food as bad or good. But it's not normal.
Normal is eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full.
Normal is enjoying the food because eating is pleasurable.
Normal is not telling myself I'm bad or good because of what I ate or didn't eat.
Normal is not restricting or counting calories as if my life depended on it.
Normal is not using food to relax and calm down.
So what's wrong? How did I get so out of sync with my body? I struggle to relax. I'm always moving or doing something and then I'm exhausted and use food to relax. And I didn't always feel safe and somehow counting calories, and restricting in some crazy way is a safety thing.
Normal - it's my goal - to stop the crazy dance with food and eating. I've lost 27 pounds in total but I want to try for normal with the next bit I still need to lose. I've been seeing a dietitian whose helping me. Normal = freedom. That's what I want - freedom. Complete freedom.