Saturday, December 29, 2018
147.8 lbs. I weighed 115 at my lowest point in my struggle to lose weight. It is like I have just given up. I just don't care anymore. The struggle is just too hard. I went from 160 lbs to 115 lbs. Took me 3 arduous years to accomplish that. It was so difficult and then I was able to maintain that weight for a good 4 years or so, then.... guess what! I am back up. It is so so difficult to lose the weight, then so so difficult to maintain the loss. The difficulty level never really goes down. It never really gets any easier as the years go by, then I just gave up. I have shot up 20 lbs in just this last year, and I just don't care. I just don't want to start again. I just don't want to go back to dieting. It is so hard. It never gets easier. I still lust after food. I still love to eat. I lust after food whether I am losing weight or gaining weight. the lust never goes away. The devil is winning this battle with my weight. I have given in, given up. It is just too hard. I don't know how to win this war! When I was focusing too much on it, I felt the Lord say to me, quit focusing on yourself. Which is the truth, I was very self focused. I suppose I still am, but when I try not to focus on it, I follow my lusts. We are not to love the world or the things in the world and I love food. and it leads to weight gain and all the isms that go with that. I know it is wrong, yet I still lust. It just doesn't help to know it is wrong without knowing how to STOP it! I am just frustrated, tired of the fight. I have "won" by losing the weight, then, LOST by never stopping the lusting for food. I know if I don't go back to dieting, I will continue to gain, gain, gain..... yet it seems so hopeless. When does the war end?