I am struggling so hard.
I don't normally talk about this side of my struggles, but here I am.
In the past 5 years or so, I have lost myself. I don't know who I am, or where the me I remember even went. I used to be fun, happy, always up for going out and doing something. Now, I am a hermit that is constantly wanting to just go home. I prefer pjs over anything. I haven't touched my giant stash of makeup in over a year.
Depression is fierce.
Depression does not want to exercise. It does not want to calculate how many freaking calories are in a slice of bread.
Depression wants to sit in this chair, play World of Warcraft and eat a doughnut... because that's the only thing that feels good anymore.
But the thing about depression is.... it's a symptom. It's not the cause.
For me.... it's a symptom of....
Being in constant pain since April of 2011 where I nearly died in a car accident and was left with so many broken pieces of my body. My bones are healed... but my muscles, tendons, ligaments... scar tissue... adhesions... are a constant reminder that I'm less fit than most elderly people I know. Throw in plantar fascititis.... and you have a 34 year old who can't walk more than 10 minutes without wanting to cut off her feet... who can't stand in a grocery checkout line for even 5 minutes because standing still is harder than walking. Back pain, neck pain. Can't unload my own washer and dryer. Pain messes with your head. I am tired of being in pain.
Depression is a symptom,
of going to work every day and giving them the only true currency in life - my time. I give them my hours, my minutes, and they give me dollars, stress, exhaustion... in return. Lots of people love to work. I do not. I do not feel this in an equal trade. They will always gain more dollars. I will never gain those hours back.
I want to live life on my own terms. I want freedom....to the bathroom on my own terms (not carefully scheduled on my breaks)... to feel the breeze on my face in the afternoon... to have the energy to make my house look nice... to make dr appointments without having to wait 2 months for the highly coveted saturday appointment that fills up months in advance... to have time to cook delicious healthy dinners for my family (and not be doing it at 8pm when my feet are so painful, I'm in tears).... plus so much more... time with family, hobbies, friends... to just sit and do nothing at all while sitting on my porch watching my dogs play (and not feel that panic that work is coming soon and I shouldn't be wasting time like this cause there's other stuff I need to do....)
At this point, I would give up nearly everything in my life, to afford being able to stay home. But I'm not the only person who gets to make this decision. I have a family. I can't make that decision for them.
But the reality is .... there is no there is no realistic path in my forseeable future where I'm not working.
So I am unhappy, unhealthy... overweight (highest ever in my life)... miserable. Surely, diet and exercise can't make me more miserable than I already am, right?
For years, I've wallowed in my misery. Let it fester and grow. But I have decided this year I am getting things under control.
I am increasing the amount of good foods I eat. I am going to bring my lunch to work more often than I eat out. I am going to drink more water than soda (It is not realistic to cut it out completely at this point). I am focusing on swapping in healthier options. And I am desperately trying to ignore my husband's constant iterations of "Eating healthy is too hard, we can't do this".
I am going to find a Dr/professional who can help me get my body realigned... massage, chiropractor, physical therapy... whatever it takes. My orthopedic surgeon tells me that my bones are healed and the pain/swelling is normal after an injury as extensive as mine. I refuse to accept this. I have seen too many people who have proven otherwise (with worse injuries than mine too).
I am going to focus hard on my mind. Meditation, therapy, refocusing on my own spiritual beliefs. I will be doing whatever I can to get my mind in a better place.
I've never been a New Years Resolution kind of person. But I am the kind of person to jump in full force. I know these goals are challenging... and focusing on all three... Beast Mode. I know. But at this point... I have no other choice. My sanity depends on it.