Wow. A long while. I'm not even sure what I'm doing here now.
It's 1:30AM, and I should be in bed. But I felt like, I should write. Start writing and maybe something will just click. Make sense.
I had my phone call with my Health coach today - insurance purposes and all of that. I have them monthly. Because weight. Because every day of my entire life. Weight. And I told her - I'd gotten discouraged. I felt like I was just treading water. I know what to do. I've DONE it. I've lost 101 pounds. And gained it back. And lost some. And gained. Rinse. Repeat.
She asked me, what's your motivation? And I started to cry. I don't even fully know why. And the tears well up again, and I still fully don't know.
Is it because.. I'm tired of being tired all the time. Exhausted, weak, over it.
Is it because.. I'd like to be able to buy clothes again. Or maybe wear some of the clothes I actually own that are stuffed deep in my closet, instead of bargain crap that doesn't even fit properly but it's all I could find.
Is it because.. I'd like to have a baby. And I won't do fertility treatments again until I lose weight. Even though I've been saying that for 6 years. And I'm almost 36 years old. And I also said I wouldn't do it after 35. And maybe my time is up. And I'm still fat. And if that doesn't motivate me, I don't know what will.
Or is it because.. I'm lost. Under the weight of an entire other person, I'm lost inside of it all. I don't even know who I am anymore, and I've given up on trying to figure it out.
But I don't want. To give up. In my mind, I'm still "trying" - trying as I shamefully go through the drive in for dinner because work ran late. Still trying, as I tell myself, ok tomorrow I'll exercise. I'll do a DVD. And I don't. Still trying as I set my alarm early, but hit snooze. And hit it again. And now it's too late. Still trying as I tell myself to get up, go do something, but I'm tired. And the couch is so comfy. And the dog is in my lap. Still trying as I circle the date on the calendar. Ok today. I can do it. I got it. Today. Or tomorrow. And the cycle continues.
Before I started writing, I looked through my phone for a "before" photo. I had to go back to Oct 1st. My anniversary - so much for the age of selfies. And I probably only snapped a photo because I'd straightened my hair for a job interview. But I did snap this recently of my feet at the beach. And it feels more appropriate.
I'm letting go now. And I'm just going to start fresh. So what if I've done this before. What I have now. Is now.